About a year ago, I was pacing in my kitchen, venting to my housemate about my relationship. We’ve all been there. Our partner is getting on our nerves, or worse, we are feeling like the relationship really isn’t working and we’re not sure what to do. In that moment, I was feeling overwhelmed, drained, and resentful. I thought if my partner could just change the things I thought were wrong, we would both be happy and I said to myself what I always say, which is Why do I always end up dating people that can’t get their shit together? I’m sure you’ve heard a phrase like that before, either from yourself or a friend. It’s whiney. It’s blame-y. It’s not a very productive nor attractive way to see things. Thankfully, this was the last time someone would have to hear me blindly throw blame at a partner because my housemate turned me on to Mark Manson. She said she had read one of his articles that sounded pretty poignant to everything I was saying and that I should check it out. So, I did. The article was called The Guide To Strong Boundaries and it changed everything for me.
“Boundaries” is a word you hear a lot in preschool when you’re learning not to touch your classmates, inappropriately. It’s not a word I’ve thought about much since then. However, after reading the article, I had an entirely new outlook on my relationships. With the infinite amount of content on the internet, I can honestly say that that doesn’t happen very often. Thanks to Mark punching my denial in the face, I now had a lot of emotional unpacking to do and it felt good. Finally, I didn’t have to wonder why I was always ending up in (what seemed liked) the exact same relationship, over and over again. I wasn’t concerned with having to face my own faults because I was so ready to not feel helpless anymore. If it was going to hurt my pride, so be it; at least I would know how to move forward and not keep making the same mistakes forever.
In Mark’s guide to building strong boundaries, he says that there are, essentially, two extremes people fit in. I call them caretakers and victims. While I know I’ve displayed some serious victim behavior in past relationships, my real role is the caretaker. All those times I said Why do I end up with people who can’t take care of themselves?, my truth was somewhere inside me screaming Because you think you need to fix people to be loved! Every relationship was a revolving door and they always ended the same. I would take on more and more of the other person’s emotions until I overflowed and ended it out of stress and resentment. After reading Mark’s article, I now recognized my behavior and could change.
In the year after this realization, I discovered that I was exhibiting caretaker behavior in all elements of my life, not just dating. I would take on way too much responsibility, eventually crash and burn, and then blame everyone but myself for my failures. When I really took responsibility for my own emotions, I found that I was projecting my own insecurities of not being lovable on everyone around me. I thought that if I wasn’t Super Woman, I wasn’t enough. Building my self-esteem from there wasn’t easy, but it has come a long way. I gave myself a period of solitude and celibacy to clear my head and really get to know myself without other people to hide behind. Everything was going great and I was convinced that the next time that I met someone I was interested in, everything would go differently. Well, that didn’t happen. I started to casually date again and found myself falling into the same habits right out of the gate. I was furious with myself. So, I decided to go back and read The Guide to Strong Boundaries again. Maybe a refresher course was what I needed. The internet void got a hold of me and I ended up stumbling across another one of Mark Manson’s articles called The Law Of Fuck-Yes Or No. This was the pin in the grenade for me. The one thing I was missing to make everything work. I had already learned how to manage healthy boundaries in my relationships, but I hadn’t yet learned how to put my intentions out there in the first place. After all of that soul-searching, I was ending up in unhealthy situations within seconds, not even having the opportunity to implement all of the super, adult-ey stuff I had learned. The Law of Fuck-Yes or No is very simple. If you’re not excited to do something, don’t do it! If you have to say, “yes, because” or “yes, but”, you are wasting your time and energy. Why are you doing that? This idea was such a bizarre concept to me because I hadn’t before felt like I deserved to be that decisive. Everything was about considering the needs of others, which absolutely has its place and time, but I was always leaving myself unaccounted for. When I combined strong personal boundaries with fuck-yes or no, I hit my sweet spot. I no longer end up on dates with people I know I have no future with. I don’t feel resentful towards anyone because I don’t let them affect me so much. When I do feel negative emotions towards someone, it’s not so bottled up that I’m unable to communicate about it healthily.
So, if you’re someone that gets manipulated or taken advantage of easily, check out Mark Manson’s website. If you feel like you can’t get out of a re-run of crappy relationships, really look at how your behavior is playing a role. Lastly, if you feel like everyone else gets to drive your life-train but you, stop saying yes to things you don’t feel fuck yes! about. At the end of the day, you are the only person that can change your life. You and Mark Manson.
