1. Call to make an appointment.
Don’t feel discouraged when the receptionist informs you that you’re not allowed to make appointments with your doctor. This is how they prevent you from wasting your doctors’ valuable time with minor issues (such as debilitating chronic pain). So “worry-warts” like you only make appointments when you really need them.
2. Don’t worry. You can always just schedule a Colonoscopy.
Typically, at this point in the conversation the receptionist will suggest that you schedule one. It’s pretty routine for someone of your age (20) and you’ll probably be able to squeeze in a few words with your doctor before the sedatives hit you. Hopefully you’ll remember something from the conversation.
3. Take the appointment.
It may turn out that your doctor doesn’t have availability for the next three months. This is also okay because Doctor So-and-So, who you’ve never met, has an opening in just six weeks! Sure, that’s a month and a half away and sometimes you find yourself wondering how you’ll manage even one more day of pain… But with a positive attitude (something easy to come by), nothing can stop you (not even cancer)!
4. Don’t forget to stop by the lab for a standard pregnancy test.
Not sexually active? Doesn’t matter. Women are compulsive liars (it’s part of our nature) and cannot be trusted on this matter. In fact, 6/10 women looking for medical advice from a doctor are actually just seeking out colonoscopies to purposefully injure their unborn fetuses.
5. Take the preparation drink like a champ.
I’ll be straight with you here. There is nothing more demoralizing than chugging a gallon of a thick and foul tasting “preparatory beverage.” As the first mouthful slides down your throat like syrup you may find yourself losing motivation. Don’t worry, that positive attitude should be kicking in any time now!
Try not to think about the fact that your doctor cared enough to order you two gallons, instead of one, as this may induce immediate projectile vomiting. If you ever find yourself inclined to spit, remember that “spitters are quitters.” And if all goes according to plan, this should summons Hell’s Gates right at your very own sphincter!
6. Recognize that we don’t always get what we want.
About halfway into summoning Hell’s Gates you should receive a phone call notifying you that your procedure has been canceled. Again, this is all standard. A doctor’s time is highly valuable and they just cannot afford for you to waste it.
This is usually a good time to start crying hysterically. Five points if they ask if why you’re so upset. Which you shouldn’t be: after all, there’s an appointment at the end of next month and it has your name on it!
7. Appropriate Samuel L. Jackson’s "Snakes on a Plane" quote.
I have had it with these motherfuckin’ doctors on this motherfuckin’ insurance plan.
Or write a listicle, whatever floats your boat.
