A Free Verse Poem About my Social Phobia

Hi. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of going outside. Why?

Because outside of this room means there are people. People waiting to exchange words with me or spend time with me and I can't do that.

I can't be in social situations. Why?

Because I'm afraid.

I want to go out and meet new people - but I can't because the fear of being judged, ridiculed, criticized or made fun of completely overpowers every part of my mind.

Hi. I'm afraid.

But I can't say hello first.

I can't even wave when someone walks by.

All I can do is flash them a smile as they go by, like everything is normal, but the moment they can't see my face that smile is gone as my mind begins to scream at me

"Why did you smile?"

Why did I smile?

Suddenly thoughts flood my mind as I try to figure out why the hell i did such a thing as smile because now they might talk to me and my body prevents me from being able to have a normal conversation. Yet I just opened the door for that to happen.

Hi. I'm afraid.

I am afraid that none of my friends are true friends because none of my past friends were, so I hide away and separate myself from the group because I'm too afraid to face my fear.

I'm afraid that when I do hang out with said friends that they all find me annoying and clingy, so I sit on the edge and hold my tongue because I fear that harsh words might leave their mouths and I can't stand that.

I hate being alone.

Yet I can't function in a crowd of people.

I freak out, I die inside. Every cell in my body shakes with anxiety and anticipation when someone speaks to me because my brain can't form anything to say back. My mind runs through thousands of questions in rapid fire causing me to cower when all I want to do is make it to the end of the conversation.

Hi. I'm afraid.

Afraid of the people around me, because they won't understand.

"You face your fear every day".

"Shouldn't it be fine by now?"

It doesn't work like that.

The days I spend in extremely social environments are days filled with anxiety. Days that I spend more scatter brained than others, unable to focus on anything because everything strikes fear into my heart and mind, possessing me. The fear roots itself in me and prevents me from being the person I want to be.

I want to be fearless. But how can you be fearless when your greatest fear is the people around you and they don't even know that they terrify you?

I can't.

Hi. I'm afraid.

And I'm afraid that's how I'll always be.