I've never been the classic male archetype that media perpetuates, the "ladies man" who hides his true emotions behind an iron-cast jawline and typical "alpha male" behavior. I did okay, I had relationships but there was always something missing. It always seemed to me that whoever I was dating was kept at arm's length, given just enough emotional data to fulfill the requirements of a "girlfriend," but the troubling aspects of my personality, the things that I don't tell anybody always remained under the surface. I communicated but only to a certain extent, and this distance defined nearly all of my romantic relationships.

Coming out of high school, I decided that the best course of action was to break things off with my girlfriend of nine months. She was one of the only girlfriends I've had that I can really say got to know me deeply, even though there were huge gaping facts about myself I neglected to share because of distrust and fear. Coming into college, I was not expecting to be the subject of anyone's affections. I wasn't even sure who I was at first and I didn't think that what I had to offer would be of value to anyone, much less a significant other. All of that changed when I met my ex.

When I first met my ex, let's call her Eva, we were both in the middle of pledging. I didn't know her that well but I felt drawn to her for some unspoken reason. We are virtually polar opposites, living our lives with stark differences but yet, we still found some way to make it work. Eva made me think of situations in ways I hadn't even imagined, and I think that we both found things that we could learn from each other.

I can truly say I've never had someone make me feel the way that she did, and it was because of this that I decided to let her in, to share some of the burden of the secrets I had kept for so long with her. I did this hesitantly, hoping that she wouldn't see some of the real me and run. Surprisingly, she embraced my secrets and performed better than I could have ever hoped for. Eva now knew things about me that I hadn't even told my mother, and she still wanted to be around me. Needless to say, I was hoping she would stay around for a long time.

We dated for almost two months, and during that time I got to really know Eva, and she got to know me. I was glad that someone wanted to even take the time to know me fully and even though she still doesn't know half of the things I've been through, I was beginning to think that I could finally be rid of the weight that I carry. Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way. In the middle of the summer, out of the blue, Eva texted me and ended things, said she wasn't ready for a relationship. Understandably, I was pissed. All of the time I had taken to figure out if I could trust her and all of the feelings I had for her suddenly were swept away, and I didn't know how to get it back.

The things that I had hoped for were now out of reach, and I wasn't sure how to move forward. I shut myself in, I wouldn't talk to her when she tried to call, I ignored friends trying to help. I didn't see the point in talking when I hadn't even gotten an explanation of why. Moving forward, I tried to work things out with Eva, to try to get back to where we were. It was only after a week of this that the real truth set in; I wasn't happy. I can't really speak for her but I don't feel like she was either. At that point, I had to make a truly difficult decision. Though I still had feelings for Eva, and though I wanted more than anything for things to go back to the way they were, that wasn't how life worked. I told her that I thought we should just be friends, and we haven't talked since.

I'm not going to sit behind this screen like a lot of males do today and bad mouth her, say things that I know in my heart aren't true. I do miss her. But as much as I do, I don't regret telling her we should be friends. I had to come to the realization that when I date someone, I want them to accept me fully, I don't want to ever have to feel like my significant other is ashamed of me. For all her benefits, Eva didn't make me feel that way. As hard as it is to admit, I think that our romantic relationship is wholly and unequivocally done. I'm not really sure how to move forward as friends with her and I've accepted that. I haven't had a face to face conversation about this situation with her still.

This could be potentially problematic considering I go back to my small college campus in two weeks and avoiding her is virtually impossible. I'm still healing, still trying to figure out where she stands in my mind and in my heart. I want more than anything to still be in her life but at the end of the day, I have to do what's emotionally prudent for me. It's funny that out of all the emotions I've ever associated with Eva, the one that comes out on top now is wholehearted confusion. Hopefully, I'll reach some kind of decision before we head back to campus in two weeks, but as of now the future is very uncertain.