There’s no way to sugar coat it. It sucks. It is sad. It is lonely. It is heartbreaking. It is life-changing. It is painful. It is tragic. It is pathetic. It is devastating. It is depressing. Some days you can’t help but feel as if your life will never go on. Your heart has been punctured with a tiny hole and there is this void that can never be filled, because there is no other love in this world like the love of a mother.
Some days you’re perfectly fine and happy and you don’t even think about that hole in your heart. You appreciate your life and friends and family and everything that is good. But other days out of nowhere it can hit you. You feel so alone and that gaping hole in your heart hurts. You long for your mother, for comfort, for someone to just hold you while you cry. You can’t help but think about how there is so much that she has missed and will miss. It rips you up and tears you down. You feel empty; you feel lost. It messes with your mind. It brings anger into your heart, anger that you know your mother wouldn’t want you to feel, but you feel it anyway.
You’ll always miss her. It's hard to deal with the fact that she’s never coming home again. That you can’t hold her hand or cry on her shoulder anymore. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Hearing her name will pull at you; it will leave you feeling unsettled. It is dark. It is upsetting. It is miserable. You know that there’s still so much that's positive in your life, but in that moment you can’t focus on it because all you can think about is your mom and how she is gone. There’s regret, there’s guilt, and there is an extreme feeling of loss that could never be replaced.
However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you begin to think of her as a person rather than a lost loved one, all of the moments the two of you have shared together, each and every lovely memory will flood through your mind. You remember her love, her smile, her laugh. All of the good memories turn the sadness and sorrow that you feel around. When you think of your mother, you feel happiness; you feel content; you feel loved; you feel overwhelmed; you feel enamored; you feel comfort; you feel lifted; you feel blessed; you feel honored; you feel inspired; you feel hopeful; you feel strong; you feel brave; you feel encouraged; you feel like you again. You know she didn’t leave you on purpose, she was needed somewhere else.
Although it still hurts, you can get through it. Losing her made you so strong that you can handle anything. You’re still going to cry and there will be days that you just feel alone and depressed, but that’s all they are; just days. You’ve learned that it's okay to feel knocked down, because with your strength you’ll be back up on your feet the next day. It’s a tough situation to deal with that hardly anyone else gets, but it helps when you have people who can be there for you in those moments when you feel alone. Because having that support makes all the difference in the world. It's nice to feel like someone cares about you.