Depression. It's an ugly word. It's an ugly feeling. And it's an even uglier lifestyle. Yes. Lifestyle. To me, that is what depression is. When people say that they are "feeling depressed" or toss it around as an everyday adjective like sad, hungry, gloomy, etc. I get so frustrated. Why? Because to me, depression isn't just a random feeling that I get when plans fall through, or a boy doesn't text me back -- it is how I live -- every single day.
A lifestyle? What do you mean? Why don't you just take some medicine? Why don't you just go out with friends? Why don't you just look for the positive things in life, instead of the negative things? If you have depression, you've probably heard these questions hundreds of times. And to those people, who ask these questions, I wish -- I wish more than anything that it could be this simple. It's not. Having depression overtakes your life, it is what your life is revolved around.
When I was 13 years old, Mom and Dad sent me to a psychiatrist. You know, the ones who ask you how you feel on a scale of 1 to 10, all that. At 13, I was diagnosed with depression. I am now almost 20 years old, and I still have this lifestyle and diagnosis of depression.
Why don't you take medicine? Name a depression medication, you bet I have tried it. Do you know how hard it is, to have to take a little pill every day, and wait three weeks for something to happen? Not just something. It isn't just going to magically make you happy one day! It isn't just going to turn off that depressive nerve in you. For the lucky ones, it soothes it in a way, it makes it "suspend" while you are on it. For me, after those three weeks of my body getting used to those little small pills, it made it all worse. Self-loathing, self-harm, suicidal -- all those things I already felt, but times one hundred. These medications, that were supposed to be helping me, were trying to kill me.
What made you depressed? Did you have a hard childhood? Were your parents mean? No. My childhood was normal. Sure. I had some hard times. I was one of the only ones picked on in my day school. But, when there is less than 20 of us in a room, there's bound to be the easy one to pick on, right? But overall, no. Nothing huge happened. That is the thing with depression, it's just there. Yes, there are things that have happened to me that I don't talk about to practically anyone. But I am past those things. Yes, there's that boy that practically tortured me for years or those girls who called me names and made me feel crazy, but it's not their fault. It is your mind and body literally pulling you to pieces, whenever and wherever.
You're OK one minute, and the next you are laying in bed, in utter silence staring at the ceiling trying to turn off your mind, and turn off all of your thoughts. Or the worst is when it's three in the afternoon, and you're with your friends laughing and being OK and then it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Depression doesn't have a time slot to mess with you and tell you how to feel. It comes whenever it pleases. Seems like sometimes, it even knows when you're the happiest and it just loves to come then. It is your body trying to kill you. Your mind becomes your enemy. Your thoughts feel like they are intertwining with the devil's mind. It will not stop. It can not stop unless you are asleep and some days you think it won't even stop unless you're dead.
Those nights. Those nights happen to me at least twice a week. What do I do about it now? Nothing. I let it happen. I'm not here to tell you that this is healthy, and that this is OK. It's not. It is horrible. It is so unhealthy, and it is disgusting. I hate that I let myself feel this way. I want to be happy and take medicine that will magically make my depressive thoughts go away, but I can't.
What I'm trying to get at is to tell you that if you are this way, you are not alone. You are not fighting this battle alone. Some nights, I still think I am. But, I try to realize that I am not. I hope, with everything in me, that one day I will be able to have the strength and courage once again to get back on a new medication. Not give up on it, and not give up on me.
So how did I get over my depression? How do you get over your depression? To be honest, I don't think it is possible for one to be 100 percent over it. It's like a scar. Yes, you can heal; you can take your medicine and get healthier, but it's always there. You won't see it a lot, but there will be times, you'll be reminded of it. And everything will happen again.
To you, the person reading this. I want you to take this, and say to yourself that you will be strong, and you will be brave. You could have already tried 10 different types of medications, or maybe not even one. There were nights, you probably laid in bed, maybe contemplating hurting yourself. But you didn't. I am so proud of you, and I am so happy you did not. Your depression does not define you, like I am trying to learn that mine doesn't define me. This battle you are fighting will only make you stronger. I am not close to not having this disease, but I can sure as hell tell you, I am a lot stronger than I was even two years ago.
I am going to be OK. You are going to be OK. I promise.
