I grew up going to Methodist church a couple miles from my house in a suburb outside of Kansas City. The church gave me a safe place to learn about the Christian God, build friendships outside of a school atmosphere, and to have multiple opportunities to be involved in service work that changed lives. Mission trips were my favorite part about church because I got to witness the power of prayer first hand by building houses, feeding the impoverished, and connecting with the homeless whose only possession was their divine loyalty to Christ. I went through confirmation the fall of 2013 and my grasp of God weakened. I had religion shoved down my throat, choking me to the point that I could no longer ask questions. I had so many questions about God, the bible, and the purpose of believing in a higher power. My confirmation mentor was my saving grace, loving me thoroughly even when my faith was shaky. She gave me space to explore my relationship with God and never stop loving me even when I decided to step away from church entirely.

The original reason I accepted Christ was because I was adopted from China, a natural product of the One-Child-Policy, into a family that gives me steadfast love and shows me that I am enough twenty four seven. But the more I thought about it, why did I get lucky enough to get an affectionate family? Why and how did God chose me over another child? Why do people say that non-disciples of Christ are going to hell when the whole point of the Bible was that Jesus died on the cross to save our sins? When bad things happen, why do people say it must've been God's plan? Is God that malicious and manipulative that even when you hit rock bottom, you still believe God is good?

I am a wannabe Christian. Not an atheist or even agnostic. I have Christian values, but I do not have a connection with God. It's like the WiFi signal is bad and Christ cannot see that my Tinder profile says "seeking a relationship with God" (haha I had to add some humor in this somewhat controversial topic…) How cool would it be if God was tangible entity, like if you did not believe in Christ, it would be like not believing in gravity. I do not feel lost, I am whole with or without God in my life. I do not want to blindly follow an omnipotent body, then I'll for sure be lost. I don't think that we can agree on the small ins and outs of religion, but we can all say in accordance, "How cool would it be if a God actually existed."