1. Be an Orphan

You might have to arrange an accident, but if you want to be a hero, you can’t have parents. An aunt and uncle are fine as long as they don’t help you with your quest. Brothers and sisters are cool, especially if you discover them along the way. Long lost cousins are fine too. Parents, however, are a no-no.

2. Get a Mentor

Without parents where are you supposed to get guidance? This brings us to Step Two: Find a Mentor. It’s usually an older guy with a beard, but it’s not a gender or facial hair specific job, per se. Your mentor has to be learned and sassy at the same time if he or she is an authentic Wise Old Mentor™. When you think you’ve found one, try asking some pointed questions, like “What brought you to my nondescript valley?” or “Why the brooding expression?” See if you can tell if he or she suffered a great tragedy in the past, probably due to the current regime’s actions. If so, you’ve found your mentor!

3. Find a Thing

So now you’re the picture of a hero-except you need something that makes you special. Yes, we know your mother said you were special, but she’s not around anymore if you did step one right, now is she? You need to complete Step Three: Find a Thing. If you’re a hero, the thing will show up. It might be a weapon of some kind, or maybe a cool magical thing, or maybe even a dragon, but you’ll stumble upon it. When you do, you’re ready for the next stage…

4. Leave

Seriously, just leave. You don’t really need a reason. If you waste too much time at home the intro is going to bore your readers and your poor author won’t sell any copies. So get out of town, probably in the general direction of the Big Scary Mountain where the Baddie is. It’s not really important that you know what you’re doing. Don’t forget to take your Wise Old Mentor™ with you! (Frodo started out without him, and look what happened. Nagzul everywhere. It was a mess.)

5. Snag a Sidekick

Hate to break it to you but the warranty on Wise Old Mentors™ is short for a reason. They usually die before the book is halfway over. They might actually die defending you which will make you feel kind of crappy, but there’s not a lot you can do. Plus, you’re going to get lonely, so now’s the time to find someone to keep you company and solve your problems. Personal pitch for Nerdy Sidekicks Who Never Get Any Credit™: We are really cool and useful. We prevent you from dying in very smart ways, and we rarely get any credit because no one thinks “I learned how to defeat the villain in a book” is cool. However, there are other sidekicks; the Loyal and Always Hungry Sidekick™ and the Dashingly Handsome Rebel™ are popular models. Side note: Sometimes, sidekicks can betray you, willingly or otherwise. They might get picked up by the Baddie and enslaved, probably to kill or capture you. Watch your back.

6. Acquire a Love Interest

Now for the one you’ve been looking forward to! Step Six: Find a Love Interest. Your love interest has to be very beautiful, regardless of gender. You will need to save him/her at some point, which will definitely get you a first date. After that, you’re going to have to woo him/her on your own. Don’t worry if your Love Interest doesn’t fall for you immediately; readers love sexual tension and banter. You’ll live happily ever after in the end; don’t worry. It’s in your contract. Side note: Watch out for the Jaime Lannister Effect, and make sure you know your love interest’s parentage. If he or she is related to you, abort mission and find someone else! Otherwise it just gets weird.

7. Battle the Baddie

]No, but seriously, you do have to do this. Don’t worry, you have the Thing you found back in step three to help, plus the wisdom of your Wise Old Mentor™ and probably a Plot Twist to help you. It’ll be a snap. Bonus points if you can use his own power against him. Try to come up with something cool to say when you win, though. No one wants to be the dork who just goes “It’s over.” That got overused a long time ago.

8. Live Happily Ever After

This is open to interpretation. Basically you have to construct your own Happy Ending™. This usually entails marriage and possibly becoming a Wise Old Mentor™ yourself, but there are other options. You might have to leave your country and go somewhere else because you’ve changed so much. That’s cool. It happens. Now that you’ve defeated the Baddie, you get to do whatever you want...unless that’s Become the New Baddie, in which case you’re reading the wrong guide, and you need “How To Create Backstory As a Villain: For Dummies!” soon forthcoming from yours truly.

But what if you mess up one or more of the steps? As a hero, you have to remember that it is okay to be stupid. Heroes are usually stupid. It makes them relatable to many in the audience. (The rest will just relate to the devilishly clever villain.) You can get back on track by having a personal crisis and fixing your mistakes through plot twists that will take readers by surprise-mostly because they’re really, really improbable. It’s okay, though, the normal rules of whatever world you’re in don’t apply to you. You are the hero, after all.