Ah, yes, Valentine’s Day. February 14. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are sobbing. Typically the day of love. Not for you, though! Stop me if I am wrong, but if you are reading this article, I assume you have been dumped, or are just alone altogether. Either is okay, and I am here to guide you through this lonely holiday! Here are my best tips to being classically bitter and all alone:
1. Wear black. You might as well wear black since we’re mourning your dead love life.
2. Sad songs. Listen to some death metal because there is no reason to be happy on this day. If death metal is not your thing, I would suggest songs like, “Why Don’t You Love Me” by Beyoncé Knowles or Celine Dion’s, “All By Myself.”
3. Phone a friend? Nah. Do not bother calling your friends; they are probably all on dates.
4. Stay in. Stay home alone all day.
5. Cry. Just cry.
6. Movie date. Watch a romance movie -- or go see Fifty Shades of Grey -- and feel free to throw small objects at the screen, but try not to break it. You do not want to make this day worse than it has to be.
7. Let it out. Cry, again, because you know your life will never be like that.
8. Ben & Jerry's. Buy some ice cream because the only men you need in your life are Ben and Jerry.
9. Jack. Same goes for Jack. Jack Daniels, that is.
10. Social media. Do not check social media for at least 48 hours. It will only make you feel worse. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life, you are negative enough already.
11. Roses. Buy roses for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.
12. Chocolate. Buy overpriced chocolate and eat away your feelings. For all of you dieters, calories do not count today. Also, remember that all candy will be half-price the day a after.
13. Why? Question why this day is even a holiday.
14. Dating sites. Spend hours checking out dating sites because even though you are not even 23, yet, you are positive this is the only way you will find a date.
15. The Bachelor. Watch re-runs of the Bachelor and contemplate signing up for the show.
Just remember, ladies, what you do on this day is up to you, but when making your decision keep in mind that today really is not that different than any other day of the year. You are always alone.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Disclaimer: I do not actually believe that anyone should be bitter on Valentine’s Day, nor do I believe that this list is a realistic way to spend the holiday. It may be a day of love, and you may not be in a relationship, but some of the best Valentine’s Day memories can be made with friends and family. This day is to celebrate all kinds of love, not just a romantic partner.
