There are so many things I wish I would have been able to do. Go to concerts, be more independent, be able to live more outside of my comfort zone by trying new things. Sadly, anxiety holds me back. I am a woman who is afraid to leave what she knows to be able to have a new experience. Now I am not saying that I will not try a new food at a restaurant, but what I am saying is anxiety holds me back from being able to do these things by myself.
Anxiety, for those who have never experienced it, is where you have fear that just builds up inside and it feels like it controls you. Anxiety can feel like the world is ending even though it's not. When I get anxious, I have issues breathing, my heart feels like it is pounding out of my chest, I can not stop crying, or I shake. People suffer from anxiety in different ways, and have different causes. For me, anxiety mostly comes with driving. There are other things that cause anxiety for me, but driving is the big one. I have had my permit for three years. Many people ask me "how many times have you gone for your license," or "How many times have you failed your driver's exam?" The answer to both those questions: zero. I have never gone for my license and I have never failed the exam. Not when this is my reaction every time I get behind the wheel.
This was not something that I always had, though. It was acquired fear. When I was younger I was always so excited to learn to drive and be more grown up. My anxiety of driving did not start until I got my permit for the first time. I was 16, and like other teens my age more than ready to just get the 6 month wait period over with so I could get my license. Unfortunately, this did not occur like planned.
When I first started driving it was so picturesque, I was calm and driving in an empty parking lot near my house. My dad would just calmly instruct me if I were doing something wrong, and I would be able to fix what I was doing wrong. Then one too sharp turn of the wheel and my dad freaks out. "Are you trying to flip us?!" I may be over exaggerating, but for someone just learning to drive that is what it feels like. I just looked at him. "No," is all I said before getting out of the car, which is more like a truck and if you are not careful can flip if someone inexperienced is behind the wheel, and got to the passenger's door and opening it. "Take me home."
Since this incident I do not drive as much as I used to. I would refuse each time my parents asked me to drive, and they got fed up with it. They decided to take it to another level. One day when I asked to go to the mall they hit me with an ultimatum: "either you drive half way there or we are not taking you." I was shocked at first, they had never done this to me. Then I realized they were being serious. Nervously I took the keys from my mom and got in the drivers seat. Have you ever felt like whatever you did was not the right thing? That's how I felt in this situation. Both of my parents were yelling at me to do different things, and it got to the point where when I was at a stop sign near a busy stretch of road I nearly pulled out in front of a tractor trailer when I really just wanted to try and get to the side of the road and switch places with my parents. This is the day my fear became a phobia.
How does anxiety play into this? My anxiety came when I realized driving was a lot harder than I thought. I get anxiety with a ton of other things, like tests for example, but driving is where anxiety kicks my butt. I have driven before, and I have proved it to my parents, but I just can't seem to get myself to believe it. I have driven through my town on a Friday around 5 PM, and this is generally a rush hour for my town, and also managed to drive through one of those small bank drive-thru's for the ATM, and managed to park in a small space at my destination. Both my parents were in the car for this too. I had even offered to drive that time. The entire time I was having bad anxiety. My leg would not stop trembling and I was afraid of going too fast or slow. I was anxious about hitting other cars. I was anxious about my parents yelling at me saying I wasn't doing something right. All I could really do is just finish the trip.
Is there a silver lining? Yes. Many people just like me have had anxiety and done what they viewed to be impossible. It just takes practice. I have sat down with my parents and made a plan of attack to conquer this fear. My goal is to have my license by the end of this year. Anxiety is a strong beast, but if you find it's weakness you can conquer it, which means you have to face it. You are not alone in this battle.
Just keep trying and never give up!
