Summer is well upon us and whether we like it or not, the carnies have arisen from wherever they come from (I assume they perpetually remain glued to their ride/game/attraction, forever shouting at passerby to fork over their tickets for a chance at a stuffed animal) and are ready to set up for the upcoming county and state fairs.

Fairs essentially represent what America is all about, spending ungodly amounts of money on useless crap, and eating obnoxious amounts of fried food. I love fairs. I just don't get the same level of satisfaction (or exposure to bacteria) by people watching at the mall that I do at the Sangamon County Fair or the Illinois State Fair. I've been attending these fairs ever since I can remember, but I know there are some people who have never been to one, let alone seen a deep fried Twinkie before!

Fear not, I have provided a few tips that will help you prepare for your first fair outing, and ensure that you have the time of your life.

1. Wear only flannel and camouflage.

Now you have a lot of room to be creative with these outfit limitations. You can wear either 100 percent flannel, 100 percent camo, or whatever ratio you'd like! Cowboy boots are a necessity, and you get extra tickets if you can find flannel or camo ones.

2. Fast for at least three weeks prior to going.

You'll be eating enough calories and saturated fat to last about six months, so you need to make sure that your stomach is empty (and arteries relatively unclogged) to binge on more fried food than any one person should consume. It is also expected that you spend no less than $300 on food per night at the fair.

3. Then proceed to throw up on the rides.

You didn't do the fair right if you didn't throw up at least once on a ride. Your fellow fair-goers will be super proud of you for doing so, and totally won't make fun of you.

4. Get a drink spilled on you at a concert.

If you don't leave a random country concert by an artist who has only written two songs semi-drenched, then you didn't fair hard enough. Rolling around in the mud and then posting a picture on Instagram will also win you a free corn dog as you leave!

5. Complain about the smell at least every 30 seconds.

People tend to forget that a main attraction of fairs is looking at the prize hog and other overly sized livestock that farmers dedicate the better part of their life to raising, but fair goers never forget the smell, and they won't let you forget it either. If you want to fit in, remember to bring up how much you hate the smell of manure and animals in general.

Good luck amateur fair goers, eat all the mini fried donuts you can!