It's been 18 years and I still can't figure out how to sleep.
I lied in my last article. It turns out that I can't return to work until September 7th. During this time off, I decided to try to catch up on sleep. However, that left me shifting my sleep schedule by almost 12 hours and making me even more tired. This shift made me reflect on my sleep incompetence.
Falling Asleep
I normally fall asleep right away, but recently it takes me hours to drift off. Of course I start thinking and overthinking everything. I create scenarios in my head about the future and how things might turn out in certain situations. I try to tell myself that I can't predict the future, but my mind doesn't listen.
I also tell myself that I need to do a task the next day and believe that I will remember to do it in the morning. The thing is, I actually don't remember. The next night, I am reminded that I forgot to do something and start thinking why I couldn't remember to do it. I repeat the same lie that night and eventually get stuck in a cycle. Granted, these tasks aren't urgent. However, I can't stop my mind from wandering and wondering why I have such a horrible memory when it comes to these things.
Waking Up
I rarely wake up feeling refreshed and well-rested. I am that person who sets ten alarms in two separate places and still manages to sleep through all of them. When I finally wake up in the morning, I realize that I shut off said alarms in my sleep. Yes, in my sleep, without a conscious thought.
When I finally manage to get out of bed, I need coffee. Not want, need. The coffee only allows my body to be awake, not my mind. Due to this, I constantly crave coffee throughout the day. Maybe this is where my caffeine addiction started. Either way, I despise this craving despite how tasty coffee is.
Hypocritical Exhaustion
I always seem to be tired throughout the day, giving me the impression that I will be able to fall asleep early. Nope, I am wide awake when I try to sleep. I don't understand my body and why it likes to play cruel pranks on me. This is the true reason why I have trust issues.
Morning Pain
Sometimes I wake up and I have this shooting pain in my leg and/or foot. I can't move it or it will get worse. I have to ride out the pain while trying not to scream and/or cry. It is a cramp on steroids. On a scale of 1-10 with a ten feeling like death, these pains are a solid ten. I mean at least I am fully awake when the pain waves are over.
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Sleeping should be easy right? It is a basic human necessity. I don't understand why I am so bad at it. Maybe I will finally get the hang of it in another 18 years.
