Let's face it. TV shows designed to entertain small children are the absolute worst. The characters are mind-numbingly stupid and each episode is an anticlimactic waste of time. It's all fun and games when these shows actually help teach kids valuable lessons, but any adult stuck watching endless episodes of Peppa Pig is sure to question the meaning of life and their purpose in the world at least once per episode. These shows would not be so dreadfully awful if they had some decent characters, but no, we get stuck with squeaky, whiny, animated children and animal-like creatures attempting to enrich the minds of our youth. Well, it's about time we expose these disastrous characters for the scum they are.
1. Barney
First of all, what a creep. Dinosaurs have apparently been extinct for millions of years, so someone explain to me how we got stuck with this squishy, purple nightmare? You mean to tell me that a giant meteor hit and destroyed all the cool dinosaurs, but it didn't have the license to wipe out whatever horrid evil spawned this plush calamity? He lures you in with his manipulative song and practically invites himself into your family without even asking for your permission. On top of that, he uses the same asinine song to try and trick you into saying you love him back, which is just sick. He doesn't know your feelings and how dare he have the audacity to pretend as though he does. That's right Barney, your chunky magenta butt has been EXPOSED.
2. CatDog
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE? I am getting some serious "Human Centipede" vibes, and I must say, it isn't pretty. What happens when one of you has to use the bathroom, huh? You want to tell me where the HECK that comes out? I feel like that's a fair question.
3. Scrappy-Doo
More like Scrappy-Don't if you ask me. You are a belligerent little wart with absolutely no purpose in the world. You are worth about as much as a pile of Scooby Dooby doodoo and you're lucky you were never "accidentally" hit by the Mystery Machine. You literally have the word "crappy" in your first name, so I think that is pretty self-explanatory.
4. Dora
Is this brat capable of doing anything on her own? I mean, you can't even relax when you try to watch her tragically dull TV show because she spends every d*mn episode asking you for favors! Honey, get it together. I did not come here to be bossed around by your bratty behind. Also, where are your parents? Do they know you spend your days wandering through the woods and talking to your backpack? Are they not the least bit concerned? Also, why aren't you in school? Is there more to the story that we are missing or something?
5. Arthur
You, my friend, are a biological disaster. You call yourself an aardvark? I don't think so. Where's your nose, then? That's what I thought. You look more like a disturbing human/meerkat hybrid, and that is simply unnatural. Please stop.
6. The Wiggles
Oh sweet merciful Lord, you guys are just plain disturbing. Do you not see it? You are grown men singing about the yumminess of "fruit salad." God, I hope that's not a euphemism. Plus, your band name is cringeworthy. Honestly, you should rename yourselves something more appropriate, like The Overly Excited Man-Boys or The Cleverly Disguised Pedophiles. Seriously, you're not fooling anybody.
7. Peppa Pig
Curse you Peppa Pig and all you stand for! Your whiny demeanor and forced enthusiasm for everything is so unnecessary. Knock it off, pork chop.
8. Franklin
Franklin, I'm calling you out because it's about time somebody brought attention to your sadistic practices. Franklin is a TURTLE that thinks he is worthy of having a pet. Sir, need I remind you that you are a pet yourself? Do you not find this to be a little sick?
9. All of the freaking Teletubbies
Were your creators obscenely high on toxic mushrooms when they designed you and your universe? That seems like the only explanation here. Your faces look like something straight out of a horror movie and the fact that you have TV stomachs that can spy on real-life children is creepy as hell. You scare the living bejesus out of me and if I ever run into one of you out walking one day, you best believe I'm whipping out my pepper spray.
10. Caillou
Full disclosure: When I was little, I referred to you as "cow poo." I've sincerely never heard of anyone liking you, and I blame it on your whiny voice. Seriously, I would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard for hours on end than watch your crap show.
***DISCLAIMER***
This is satire. Relax and don't take offense.
