Redheads know how to have a good time. Since we have been gingers from the day we were born, we have learned to embrace the difficulties that come with our unique beauty. The only place that can suck the fun out of a redhead is the beach. As if the struggles of being a ginger aren't enough, let's add the blazing
1. Taking it Off...
I always feel like every one of my friends, along with the rest of the humans on the beach, and the sea creatures that live deep on the ocean floor, get blinded as soon as my cover-up comes off. We see ourselves every single day, we check ourselves out before we get into the shower, we know how stinkin' white we really are, but we are pros at hiding it from the rest of the world. They have no idea that we are secretly vampiresses mixed with a hint of Casper the Friendly Ghost kind of white until they see us in that itty bitty bikini we are trying our best to rock. The looks of sheer terror and utter sympathy that we get from even our best friends make us want to shake our fists at God for making us 50 shades of pale.
2. Lathering Up
While everyone else is caking on the suntan oil that is going to make them a beautiful shade of brown, we slather on the SPF 50 (or higher) so skin cancer will stay far away from our bodies. Of course, we apply 30 minutes before we make contact with the sun, and sometimes even do it in secret so no judgement will be made.
3. "Will you pl-ease rub this on my back?"
It's ever so hard to get your back perfectly covered with sunscreen. It's so difficult that we sometimes gotta get a little help from our friends... even when they want nothing to do with that satanic sunscreen. They may smile and say sure, but they will secretly hate us when their hands aren't the same shade of tan as the rest of their bodies (insert major eye roll).
4. Laying Out... Umm I'll take a hard pass
Laying out is so super fun for the tan child of the Lord. They just love the feeling of the sun sizzling their skin and making them all kinds of dark and gorgeous. Is it buckets of fun for the ginger? Ummmm absolutely not! It is bo-or-ing times 100. It is basically hours and hours of laying on a towel thinking about the sad fact that when you get inside and everyone is comparing tan lines, you will be the loser. My inner Monica Geller kicks in and I realize that I DO NOT LIKE LOSING. That's about the same time I go play in the ocean with those random kids, because they are definitely having more fun than my girls laying out.
5. Reapplying after one little hour
Before you left your house, your mother made you promise to reapply sunscreen every couple of hours. You may have rolled your eyes, might have even had your fingers crossed behind your back, but when all of your friends reach for more tanning oil while doing that fun laying out thing, you subconsciously grab your trusty sunscreen. You just keep reminding yourself that Mother knows best.... right Rapunzel?
6. Forget Sunscreen-- Gingers can tan
Around day 2 or 3 of attempting to be a beach babe, you realize you're really appearing to be a pale beached whale. The frustration sets in and you stupidly decide to ditch the sunscreen for the day. You continually tell yourself that this time is different, something in your skin has changed, God has suddenly granted you permission to tan and you are not going to miss out on His sweet offer. So you lay out for hours upon hours, without that sticky sunscreen, and you ignore every person telling you that you're getting burnt. First of all, they don't know you... second of all they don't know you.
7. Feeling the Burn
You realize as soon as a shower sets in that God was not the one telling you that you're now allowed to tan... It was definitely Satan. You now have the most horrifying burn in the history of ever and the regret you are feeling is the least of your worries. The thoughts of water blisters, skin cancer, and peppermint tinted skin fill your nightmares and wake you from your deepest sleep... actually you aren't getting any sleep because of the random phases of shivers and constant fire feeling on your skin.
8. Can't move, won't move
The next day rolls around and those tan goddesses you call friends are going out into the blazing sun for what feels like the 30th day in a row. You decide to stay inside, away from the UV Rays that have caused the 3rd degree burns that cover your body. Watching TV and eating ice cream is way more fun than laying out, so looks like the joke's on everybody who isn't a ginger!
9. The disappointed speech
The only thing that is worse than the pain you are feeling is the disappointment that your mother is going to lavish on you when you get home. The "God didn't make you tan like everybody else... blah blah blah" speech is going to flow out of her mouth as soon as you show her the burn lines. That speech alone will make a redhead apply, reapply, and repeat for the rest of their pale, pale life.
10. Peeling off the pain
Even though you are praying every day that you don't peel, God decides your punishment will be peeling like a banana. So you flake and peel and try not to throw up at the look of your disgusting skin.
11. "Did your burn turn into a tan?"
All of those sweet beauties of your besties continually tell you that maybe this time it will turn into a tan after the redness goes away. You get all excited thinking maybe just maybe you will be tan after this terrible pain. So after all of the waiting, Advil, and Aloe, you check yourself out and realize you are right back where you started. Vampiress mixed with Casper. So you roll your eyes, and promise yourself never again will you be this dumb.
This generation may not understand the redhead's unique beauty, and our pale skin may never be what is trending on the runways across the world. What I do know is that our freckles and vibrant hair contrasting against our white complexion is something we should be confident of. The struggle really is real, but sunscreen and the ability to laugh off the ginger jokes will make for a super fun time at the beach.... even for the redhead.
