I hate you.

Yes, I do. At least in this moment when I'm writing this, I do. Because when I look down and see my stomach bloated and sticking out, feeling uncomfortable and I can feel a pimple right on the bottom of my chin, I'm reminded that it's you who has done this to me. You're the one who's made me hate the way I've looked for the past twenty-two years. It's you who has made me the way I am today. The type of person who can't look in the mirror without picking apart every single thing that's wrong with me. The type of person who gets frustrated going on the scale because instead of thinking I've gained weight for once, I've lost some instead. The type of person who can't eat a meal without knowing the consequences of it: will it either completely bloat me or show no signs of it ever going into my system?

Because you see, you've made it so hard for me my entire life to ever gain weight. And while some people may find that I'm just complaining or see that as a good thing, let me tell you it's not. It's not fun to have to cover up your body because you're ashamed of the way you look. It's not fun to have to go to your doctor or Google search ways and certain foods to eat in order to gain weight. It's not fun not being able to wear types of clothes because you don't have the curves to fill it out. It's not fun looking in those uncomfortable dressing room mirrors in a bathing suit, already feeling vulnerable, and seeing your ribs stick out. And it's certainly not fun at all to get the comments from people ranging from, "I wish I looked like you," or "I wish I had your body," and even the negative comments like "Why are you so skinny?" Because let me tell you, I don't want you to look like me, I don't want you to have my body and I don't know why I'm so skinny.

But as much as I want to blame you for doing this to me I can't. Because it's not your fault for making me this way, it's mine. I'm the one who decided to take down the sign you came with that said "Handle With Care" and threw it away. So as I've finally come to realize all the things I've done to you over the years I want to tell you how sorry I am.

When I was born my mom told me I weighed 8 lbs 5 oz, I was considered a fat baby. I'd look back at old pictures of when I was a baby and I couldn't help but think, wow, so that's what being healthy looks like. So I'm sorry for putting into my mind a negative opinion of you from the moment I was born. If I could go back I would tell my infant self that you look this way because you were simply born this way and there's nothing wrong with your chubby cheeks and little legs with some rolls on them.

I'm sorry I believed all the people who criticized you and made fun of us for the way we looked. I'm sorry for allowing them to stop me in the school hallways just to put their fingers on my wrist and be amazed that they could fit it completely around and move it up and down. Like I was the next act in the freak show or something. I'm sorry I didn't take you to enough pool parties. I'm sorry I can't look at pictures of you when I was younger because all I can point out is my bony arms and legs. You don't know how much I wish I could tell that little girl that she looks beautiful but I would never be telling myself the truth.

I'm sorry I didn't defend you when people bullied us. I'm sorry I chose to put my head down when people stared at me instead of showing you off. I'm sorry for getting frustrated at you because clothing stores never have our size. I'm sorry for looking at magazines and complaining how you didn't look like those models. I'm sorry I spent my Saturdays practicing my model walk while watching America's Next Top Model because I wanted to grow up and be like them. I'm sorry for photoshopping and enhancing you in pictures instead of being happy with the first result.

I'm sorry for covering you up in baggy clothes or tons of layers because I was embarrassed by you. I'm sorry for skipping meals because I didn't see the point in trying anymore. I'm sorry I chose the salad over the burger and fries. I'm sorry I only like to take pictures from the neck up. I'm sorry for eating something bad and not being able to keep it down. I'm sorry for covering your face up in makeup because I can't stand the way you look and going natural is not an option. I'm also sorry for going to bed in that same makeup and waking up the next day looking like a first grader did an art project on your face.

I'm sorry for filling you up with too much alcohol because I thought you could handle it. I'm sorry for never telling you you're beautiful. I'm sorry for letting boys use you because I was stupid to think they might actually like me for my mind and heart instead. I'm sorry for breaking your bones because I wanted to show off. I'm sorry for putting you through the pain of getting tattooed (though I'm not sorry for getting them). I'm sorry for putting you through so many doctors visits and painful blood work because I can't stop thinking something's always wrong with me. I'm sorry for putting you through so much stress and wearing you down. I'm sorry for pushing you to your limit because I don't know when to stop. I'm sorry for making you taste the salty tears from crying so much.

I'm sorry I see more negative than positive things about you when I look at you in the mirror. I'm sorry for telling you you're not good enough or you'll never be happy with the way you look instead of loving you the way you are. I'm sorry I tried to change you.

But most of all, I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like me. Because if it was possible I'd give you to someone who would appreciate you better. But no matter what you're stuck with me and I'm stuck with you, this is our reality and we have to learn to live with one another. I don't want to hate you anymore and if you'll let me, I'd like to prove to you that I can do it. It might take some time, but anything's possible.

I want to be able to look at that little girl in pictures like these and say that she's not skinny she's beautiful and she's going to grow up to be something pretty special. So keep reaching high, little girl, and never believe anyone who tells you how you should look or let anything get in the way of how you see yourself. I'm starting to learn that right now and let me tell you, it's a pretty amazing feeling. I'm no longer feeling so ashamed anymore, I'm starting to feel free.

"We are all born so beautiful
the greatest tragedy
is being convinced we are not"
- Rupi Kaur

I'll never stop reaching high