They say “home is where the heart is,” and for some, this is a very true statement. But, recently for me, this has not been true. Growing up with divorced parents had it's ups and downs. One of the most prominent downs for me was the constant moving between two houses. One thing that I looked forward to when I went to college was the not having to move back and forth all the time and staying in one place. When I started my freshman year of college, I found out this whole staying in one place thing was wonderful. I never had to call one of my parents because I forgot something important at their house that I needed for the week, because all of my stuff was in the same place! Soon, I was able to call Oakland and Carlow University home. I thrived in the city and at school, being independent for the first time in my life. It was going well and I loved it.
My first semester flew by, and I kept telling myself that I was ready to go home. But, reflecting on it now, I don’t think that I was. I was ready to be done with the work, but not to go back to my actual house. Realizing this for the first time was a weird feeling. When I went back for my second semester, I felt at home again in my room as soon as I came back. Now that I am back home again for the summer, I can’t help but notice a lack of feeling at home.
Home to some people is having their family around, or being in their room or is simply a feeling they get when they're with a group of people. I am not saying that I don’t feel at home with my family, but you never really get to establish a sense of home when you are constantly moving around. When I went to college, staying in one place really made it feel like home even though I didn't have my family there. Being in this situation is hard now because I really miss the city. I feel out of place at home and back in the suburbs. Maybe it is because I got a taste of independence and I want it back, or maybe it is because I really did feel at home for the first time in my life.
None the less, it has left me with a feeling of guilt and longing to go back to the city. I feel guilty because my whole life, my parents have tried to make me feel at home with the whole moving around constantly thing, but when you have to switch between two rooms, two beds and two sets of everything else, that would make home feel like home, they all felt like normal objects to me. However, when I am at school, everything in my room is mine and there is no moving involved, so I guess you could say that the stability really made me feel at home.
Some people may read this and think I am crazy. I know some people who hated living at school and went home every weekend, but I feel like there are other people out there who are feeling the same as me. I crave the independence, the stability and the feeling of home. Some other people may read this and think that I am just a teenager wanting to get out, but I don’t want to get out.
I love this city and where I am now, but I just don’t feel at home anywhere except school. Really, I am just searching for that place where I belong and the place that I am able to finally call home, and until that happens, I will keep on searching.
