I'll never forget the feeling of waking up to hear you had been in an accident. I lost my breath, the ground beneath me didn't feel as sturdy as it used to, my head kept shaking and the only word that came out of my mouth was, "No." It's been exactly one year since I last hugged your neck, heard your laugh or told you that I love you.
Before you passed, I always had a sense of security. We were born 11 days apart. You were my first kiss, my best friend, my therapist. You were my person. Hearing others say "everything happens for a reason" when I speak of your death rubs me the wrong way. Because you were so young, you had so much going for you, I just don't agree with how that just "happened." Yes, God has a plan for us before we are even conceived, but I don't understand his plan. I guess that's something only time will heal.
Being away at college helps. When I go home, I find myself looking for your truck in the same parking lot we used to sit at. I pick up my phone and start dialing your number to talk. I see you everywhere I go. Even when I'm home, I'm homesick because you are no longer there. I know you send me signs to let me know you're okay and that you are still with me everywhere I go. I know that you watch over me and still shake your head when I'm not making the best decisions. I know that, since you are gone, you are not able to sit boys down and scare them off like you used to, so you sent me one that you would approve of. Finally, you don't have to worry about me getting hurt anymore.
I knew that living without you would be difficult, unbearable almost, but I never thought one person's existence could impact my livelihood quite like you did. Before, I was reckless, carefree and unbroken. At the time, I hadn't realized we were almost an extension of one another and you being gone would so greatly impact my future. Maybe I haven't changed as much I think I have, and it's likely that I've grown up and understood that the only way I'll see you again is through God. Even when life without you gets hard and I feel like I can't make sense of you being gone, I call upon His name and pray for guidance. You are my best friend, my brother and my person. You being in Heaven will never change that.
