Dear _____,
I flew home to surprise the family for Thanksgiving. I told auntie that I was coming so she could help organize my arrival. What I pictured was myself walking into the house and everyone being there and screaming with excitement because they didn’t anticipate seeing me for another month or so. I picture you running up to me and begging me to fill you in on my first four months of college across the country alone. I picture us sitting at the table and laughing until our stomach's cramp. I picture us laying on the couch because we ate too much. I imagine us taking pictures with silly faces. Then I blink and look up. I have made my plate and am sitting in front of it. I was just zoning out for a quick moment.
I remember you aren’t here, and you won’t ever be again. I feel sad, I feel frustrated, I even feel guilty that I am here and you are not. The holidays are hard without you. Getting older without you is hard. Remembering you, is hard because feelings are hard. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could celebrate with you. I wish and I wish and I wish and nothing changes. Acceptance alleviates those frustrations, but it lingers regardless.
I guess I just wanted to tell you Happy Holidays, wherever you may be. I just wanted to let you know I love you, I always will. I want you here. I haven’t forgotten you. You still matter. I miss you.
As the holidays roll around I think it's normal to become uneasy if you're missing a member of the family or someone close. For a time of year that is supposed to be filled with joy, I have found myself uncomfortable and even upset at some moments. While spending time with those that are still with me, I feel guilty that I am enjoying myself while the ones who can't be here -because they've passed on- are not. Please know these feelings are okay, allow them to flow. The first few holidays without them are the always the worst, but it does get better as your perspective changes. Just remember that it is okay to not move on, but to move forward. As cliche as it sounds, they wouldn't want us to be upset. Death is a part of life, so do the best to wipe the tears from your cheeks and appreciate the memories you have. Celebrate life and appreciate those who come together.
