Hola! I'm Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you probably know me from this year's race for presidency of the United States. If you watched the Democratic National Convention last week, you probably saw my vice-presidential pick Tim Kaine's amazing speech shamelessly pandering connecting with our Hispanic brethren. Kaine and I might be whiter than the lunch rush at Chipotle, but his excellente speech showed how connected we are with Hispanics through Kaine's impeccable use of Google Translate.
To quote, Kaine explained that he "learned that the best compliment you could give someone was to say they were 'listo'– ready. Not 'inteligente'– smart. Not 'amable'– friendly. Not 'rico' – rich." No, no other one semester of Spanish adjectives can describe how listo I am to be your White House amiga! Some people (like Donald Trump, who is no bueno!) might say that injecting one word of Spanish into an otherwise completely English sentence is a disgusting, offensive, and completely transparent attempt to win over Spanish-speakers who we clearly think are so stupid that they'll fall for it, but we say it's our way of showing respecto for your culture! I can personally attest that when Kaine and I go to Taco Bell, both of us even roll our r's when ordering los Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos.
The truth is, I'm not even capable of pandering, because I'm just like your sweet old abuela! I even have an entire page on my website describing the eight ways I'm exactly like your abuela! Seriously, check my list out- it has hilarious GIFs, which my focus group has recently informed me is the hippest and grooviest thing with the kids! Just like your abuela, I throw an arbitrary and easily digestible Spanish cognate into an otherwise entirely English sentence! Donald Trump knows nothing of el respecto, am I right guys? Yes, I truly am America's abuela- and just like your sweet, charming abuela, I preach gender equality while simultaneously claiming in court that I am "not sophisticated enough" to understand an email classification system to avoid the otherwise inevitable jail time that comes along with breaching national security. Did I mention that I'm running for the highest office in the government of the United States? I sure hope those nuclear launch codes and international commerce laws aren't as complicated as el Facebook! Our silly abuela technophobia is so charming!
Remember kids, your abuela knows best, and what's best is to ignore the issues and focus on who just feels like the right choice for president. Does Donald Trump even carry hot sauce in his bag? I think no- that's español for "no" for all the gringos out there!
This election day, look into your heart, and you'll know who to vote for- and remember, "Antonio Banderas, nachos grandes, telenovela." Adios!
