I know this is a bit late after National Mental Illness day, but my fellow Odyssey Creator, Hannah Flom brought up something very close to my heart in her article, “The Problem With High Functioning Depression.” First, I want Hannah to know that she isn’t alone. It’s crazy that we are both writing for the Odyssey, but I too have high-functioning depression. Hannah explains it so well in her article that people have no idea about high-functioning depression and that it is even a disease.
I have actively been combating my high-functioning depression coming up on a year now, but have been suffering from it for about six. It’s the most difficult thing to explain. Yes, if you know me, I am happy and extremely involved on campus here at Linfield. I take full credit loads, have four jobs on campus, swim, and get good grades and hang out with friends, all while having depression. People think depression means you’re sad all of the time and that you just don’t want to get out of bed or are sluggish, but with high functioning depression, that is not the case. The media and society is really good with defining depression completely wrong as one emotion: sadness. Depression is not only sadness. There are days where I don’t really know what I’m feeling and am upset, but I know I have to get through the day anyway. I can wake up and just feel weird? I guess. I struggle constantly with trying to explain why I’m upset or what exactly I’m feeling, but 8 times out of 10 I can’t (it’s 8 out of 10, because I’m slowly making progress).
High Functioning Depression is in such a grey area of mental health. You could be completely happy with where your life is and how things are going, but then you’re crying that night for no reason. Society portrays mental illnesses as having to be these awful crisis', but that’s not how this disease works. Yes, there are times where I might have a panic attack on top of my depression and I feel like I’m having a heart attack, but most of the time I could be having these feelings, but have to smile and give a tour of the campus or get through my homework that night. It’s hard even trying to write about it.
I had a conversation recently with my therapist about the societal stigmas of depression and how it’s hard to write about something so close to my heart when I feel as though people are going to look down upon me for it or that people might think I’m searching for sympathy. That is not the case at all. I’m writing about this because it is so taboo to write about mental illness and I want people like me to know they are not alone in the frustration of trying to explain how grateful you are for the life you have, but have some depression here and there along the way. I love the life I have and all of the wonderful people in it that have helped me with this, and I hope someday it isn’t as taboo to talk about mental illness.
