I have this nasty little habit of setting myself up to be disappointed. You see, I have a slightly obsessive personality. When I think there is a possibility that something great is about to happen, I can’t get it off my mind. I constantly let myself make “maybes” into realities. Quite frankly, I often get my hopes up in an extremely unhealthy manner. I set very high expectations. Although this can be a good thing in terms of having high expectations for myself, my relationships, my friendships, and my passions, there are many times in life where setting too high of expectations will lead to disappointment.
Let me give you some examples of when I got a little bit too attached to things:
First, in my junior year of high school, I decided that I wanted to run for student body president. I was so excited to have the opportunity to run that I couldn’t get it out of my head. I worked insanely hard to design my campaign, promoted my platform, and prayed that I would win at the end of the election. After one week of voting, I was told that me and another student would enter a run-off election. I was disappointed but still held on to the hope that I might get to obtain this position. In the end, I didn’t end up winning. Although I was so happy for the student who won, I found myself feeling like a complete failure. I had hoped and nearly convinced myself that I would get to be the student body president, yet I felt like an idiot when I fell short. I remember asking myself “Am I going to fail at everything?” Yes, that was an extremely dramatic response, but it was truly how distorted my thinking was. In the end, it ended up working out perfectly because I joined another facet of student government that changed me forever. This proved for one of the first times in my life that I needed to release my tight grip on my life and have trust in His plan for me.
Second, my journey to deciding where to go to college had many ups and downs. My entire life I had planned to go to Vanderbilt University. I had competed at a swim meet there since I was a little girl and knew that my dream was to be a Commodore. I had it all planned out. I decided that I would complete a joint degree where I would earn a Bachelor’s of Art in Medicine, Health, and Society, my Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing, and my Nurse Practitioner certification in just six years. I had to have been completely crazy to even consider doing that, but that’s beside the point. I had toured the campus too many times to count, explored the city of Nashville, bought an excessive amount of spirit wear, and even thought about what dorm I would want to live in my freshman year. When I pictured the next chapter of my life, there was absolutely nothing I saw but Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. I thought that was where I was meant to be. Come senior year, I applied Early Decision to Vandy. This was binding, which meant if I was accepted then I was required to attend. Every high school student can only pick one school to “ED," so it was a big deal. I waited until December 15th to find out if I got in or not. I was at a basketball game for my high school when I got the e-mail that contained the information that I thought determined the rest of my life. I waited until I got home to open it with my family and my best friend. To my complete and utter surprise, I didn’t get in. I had to read it over a couple times because I didn’t think it was real. I did not understand how I wasn’t accepted, because in my mind I was the perfect applicant, I had done all the right things, taken all the right steps, talked to all the right people. There was just absolutely no way I didn’t get in. But, in reality, I was not accepted.
I found it sickening that my life’s dream could be crushed in just a few short sentences via e-mail. I gave myself 3 days to cry, feel like a failure, get angry, and eat a lot of ice cream until I was going to force myself to figure out what I was going to do. After my mourning period, I began to look at my other options. Luckily, I had applied to a bunch of other schools almost on a whim-- just in case Vandy didn’t work out. I never thought I would actually have to use those “back ups”. I remember receiving a piece of mail from Clemson and I was so confused because I did not remember applying there. It was the weirdest thing. I kept thinking about Clemson, as I would find myself looking it up online, researching different programs, and following its social media accounts. Looking back, I know that God had His hand in that. I couldn’t tell you why I applied or even why I all of a sudden became so interested, but when I visited I knew that I was finally home. As much as I’m sure I would’ve loved Vanderbilt, I truly could not see myself there anymore. I can’t see myself anywhere other than Clemson and it blows my mind that there was ever a time I wasn’t planning on going here. This was yet another time where I realized that I needed to let go of my tight grip on life, and trust in Our Savior.
Although these are just two examples of many in my life where I thought I knew what was best, they represent my struggle with feeling like I can handle it all on my own. There is this quote that I often find myself referring back to. It says, “Consider the fact that maybe God closed that door because He knew you were worth so much more.” I have referred back to that after a hard break up, severed friendships, and even lost opportunities. It is so true. We hold these high, insane expectations for our lives and we aim to control everything that is supposed to happen to us. We scream and scream at these “closed doors” instead of being still so we can hear what God is trying to tell us. God wants to talk to us and tell us his reasonings, but we have to be still enough to hear Him. Friends, we have to have trust. We have to keep our faith that Our God is good all the time, and all the time Our God is good. He is good. He loves us. He is holding us in the palm of His hand, and He’s got this.
