We all have that point in our lives where life just sucks. I know this because my life sucked all throughout high school and even during college. But I soon realized that it only sucked because I was focusing only on the bad things that happened rather than the good. I wish I could say I went through hell and back in a more figurative sense, but I know that I can't continue to lie to not only myself but also to the people I love. For so long, I denied and hid all my problems just so that I didn't have to face them and no one would ever know just how much it sucked to be me and just how low I felt until now.
This is actually the first time I've talked about what I had overcome in the past few years, which as my therapist would say, “You’re like an onion and peel one layer at a time.” But when you looked from the outside, I was just an ordinary teen girl with hopes of having a high school experience I would remember for a lifetime. I had my moments that were memorable, but I had bad encounters that I let define me living so unhappily. I carried myself with pride always smiling and friendly, but every single day I was dying inside, crying for help. Every single day a piece of me broke causing me to fall into a black hole just waiting for the day to see the light again.�
People often tell me that my life is good, that I have family and friends who love me unconditionally, but a sickness can make everything so cloudy and then all of a sudden you’re consumed with feelings of helplessness. I came from a stable home with both parents involved in my life; I graduated with honors, played a varsity sport for four years, won homecoming queen, and so many other memorable moments. But I was not happy with myself. I feel into a depression hiding it from the world I painted a smile on my face until I lay behind closed doors. I would tell myself I was ugly, unworthy, and I started to believe it after awhile. My self-esteem was so low that I would starve myself because I didn’t appreciate how I looked and how I felt about myself.
I have always feared to expose myself and allow people to see me so vulnerable, but I recently learned that every voice can save someone even if just one person from suffering, from the same thoughts that limited you from acting on your full potential. I went years without seeking help, and I now realize that my outcomes could have been worse. I never imagined discovering in college that one’s expected best years of their life were my worst. I was in a constant battle with myself letting everything life offered me slip through my fingers. Depression can happen to anyone, but you don’t have to be alone. Remember life is never perfect and the girl that wears the biggest smile is the one who’s screaming the loudest. Don’t be afraid to seek help because one day you’ll look back and be thankful for what you’ve overcome.
