The year is 2002, and it is just another regular day in the third grade for Andrew McDilda. A day full of Judy B. Jones novels and nose picking. A new student had just moved to Andrew’s school and had yet to make any friends. Now, young Andrew was a very friendly and genuine kid for his age, so he decided that he would offer to play with the new student, who for the purpose of this piece we will just call Steven. Andrew introduced himself to Steven and when Steven had heard Andrew’s last name, little third grade Steven immediately called out, “Your name is McDildo???” which he followed up with a lot of laughter, before he immediately started to spread his joke. This brings up the first question and that is, why did a third grader even know what a dildo is?
You probably have realized it by now, I am Andrew McDilda, and before I continue any further, it is detrimental that everyone who is just now learning of my last name first recognizes that they are not the first and only comic genius to change the last letter of my name to an “o” and say McDildo. You are by no definition a comedian or witty. Now lets continue.
Bullying is a problem that plagues the American education system, and while we have all most likely heard repeatedly in high school to not participate in it and to stop others from doing so, it is unfortunate that no matter how hard we try to eliminate it in our schools, it will always prevail in some sort of fashion. I cannot speak for all of those who have been bullied in public schools, but I can speak for many. As a young student I was short, skinny, color blind, I developed diabetes (which for some reason was a gold mine for people who enjoyed picking on me) and my last name is McDilda. Contrary to your take on the matter to this point, I am not here to preach about eliminating bullying, or even condemning those who have done so to other students. I am here to say that it is the incessant bullying that made me into the person I am today. I have a very open and broad sense of humor, that is, it takes a great deal to get under my skin and actually upset me. Being bullied is not something any one wishes to be, but the fact that someone is being bullied is precisely because they are different, unique, and special. That is exactly why I can now embrace my last name and not allow others to upset me with their child like insults and humor. With nearly 2.9 million Smiths, 2.2 million Johnsons, and 1.6 million Joneses, why should I be ashamed of the fact that I am one of 272 McDilda’s? This is all according to howmanyofme.com.
We do not pick our last name we are born with it. Of all things to allow oneself to be upset and bullied about, a last name is not one of them, all though I will say I have not always held this philosophy. As I’ve said, McDildo is practically a nick-name I was given by upperclassmen when I was in high school and sometimes even by my own friends. To those who know me, they know that there was a time I would literally get so upset from being called a McDildo, that I would go home after school and cry. When I transferred to a new high school my junior year because of my parent’s divorce, I found it extremely difficult to make friends.
On my first day I was laughed at by a group of both boys and girls in my first class. We’ve all been to that first day of classes where the teacher says something like, “Let’s go around the room and tell each other our names.” When it came my turn to say my name, my hobbies, where I lived, I was not even allowed to get past my name because of the “popular” students who were not laughing with me, but at me. I allowed that to go on for nearly a month before I got a suspension for hitting one student straight in the nose (and making him cry). My dad eventually realized how miserable me and my sister were at that school, and allowed us to go live with our mom so that we could attend the school where at least we had made some childhood friends. After returning to my old school I had promised myself that when I turned 18 in a year or so, I would be changing my last name to something that no one would ever be able to make fun of—Smith, Johnson or Jones.
There is a point to all of this however, and that is individuality is a privilege, one that took me nearly 18 years to understand. Leading up to my birthday, I was convinced by my girlfriend, friends and especially family, that a last name is what ties our family together and creates our origin story. Now when people call me McDildo, I avoid constructing a witty comeback and allow them to participate in their childlike shenanigans. Chances are, they are one of those people with a common last name or at least not one that is as easy to remember as McDildo.
To those who made fun of my last name from elementary school (seriously, how did a third grader know what a dildo was?) all the way through high school, I hope that this article finds you. Chances are, if we weren’t friends at least, you probably made me cry and I forgive you. It is through your bullying that I was able to eventually achieve self-empowerment and my own unique individuality that is my humor and personality. While I, after nearly 18 years, have been able to come to this conclusion, it is important to understand the seriousness to the matter at hand, and that is being bullied in school can lead some to suicidal thoughts derived from a feeling of no self-worth. Why is it in 2016 when we are so scientifically advanced that we are trying to send people to mars do we insist on perpetuating something as ridiculous as bullying people for something they have zero control over? My name is Andrew, and I am proud to be a McDildo. Ugh, I mean McDilda.
Do you have any stories about being bullied because of your last name? Feel free to share in the comments below!
