Two of my closest friends happen to be dating each other. Before I had the chance to officially meet her, I took a spring break trip with him and another girl friend of ours.
We rented a home for a few days that was incredibly compact. There was one king-sized bed for the one bedroom. Gender determined the sleeping arrangements for us, it seemed. Only, it was impractical: he was six foot and had to sleep on a small couch, while we much smaller girls had more than enough room to sleep comfortably in our bed. It seemed as if there were four feet in between her and I when we’d lie down to sleep, while he seemed crowded on the couch with a much thinner, smaller blanket.
When I suggested that he sleep in the bed with us, my girl friend immediately dismissed it because it was “inappropriate”.
But why? We’ve grown up with our parents separating us at sleepovers probably because they didn’t trust us not to “experiment” with each other. But do we need that now? We are adults, we are close friends and we trust each other. We have significant others and have no intention of being unfaithful, nor would we consider each other to cheat with. Are we still separating ourselves because of our sexualities?
Surely that can’t be the case, for this girl friend herself is bisexual. Is it not inappropriate for two lesbians to sleep in the same bed? What about two gay men? How about a transgender woman and a man?
To be honest, I felt guilt for even suggesting that he sleep in the same bed as us, fearing that someone may think my consideration was simply an attempt to make an advance. What would happen if I did ever share a bed with another guy friend? Would we succumb to the irresistible urge to touch one another inappropriately? What if our legs happen to touch, or our feet, or what if our arms brush? Would we then be overcome by our sexual desires? Or would we just talk a while in the dark before rolling over and falling asleep, like I have done with every female I have ever slept with?
Why is it so different from my female friendships? The answer is heteronormativity: the assumption that every male and female is heterosexual. Our culture applies heteronormative standards to even our platonic friendships. It is assumed that two people of the opposite gender are more likely to be romantically involved than two of the same gender. If a guy friend and I go out to eat, others will likely suspect it is a “date”, and that we are romantically interested in each other. If I go out with a girl, even if she is not heterosexual, others will see it as simply “going out for dinner”.
I can and always have felt comfortable changing clothes in front of my female friends. Never once did I have to question if it was appropriate. Never once did I have to question if a female friend was sexually attracted to me, of if her seeing more of my skin may lead to an advance, even if I knew she was not heterosexual. But what would happen if I started to change clothes in front of a guy friend? It would be wildly inappropriate, of course! And for some reason, it would seem less likely that a lesbian friend would be romantically interested in me than a heterosexual male.
So because our ideas of friendships are saturated by heteronormativity, we cannot be as fulfilled by our opposite-gender friendships as we can our same-gender friendships. If a person is friends with another person of the opposite gender, and both parties are at least attracted to the opposite gender, there is an expectation that lies beneath. Our heteronormative culture is pressing us like the embarrassing distant relative at the Thanksgiving party: Well, you two aren't dating, are you? Why not? Surely you must be dating, you spend so much time together and you even get dinner together! Alone!
My male friend’s girlfriend, mentioned at the beginning, became one of my best girl friends. I’ve spent plenty of time with them separately but also together. I value their friendship equally, but I noticed when I spend time with them together, there was a clear difference in how comfortable I was interacting with them, despite the fact that I did value their friendship equally.
At first I chalked it up to “Ah, well it’s just because he’s a guy!” but that answer doesn’t satisfy me. In fact it seems obvious that is the reason, yet it doesn’t explain why that is the reason.
When I spent time with both of them at once, I was much more likely to hug her than him, to play with her hair, to pull a leaf out of her hair, or to be physically affectionate in any other way. I was also more likely to ask her to hang out than him. I recognize that a reason for my hesitancy and my inhibitions is the fear that these basic platonic interactions could be seen as inappropriate. In other words, an advance. It is because I am aware of how heteronormative my surrounding culture is that I feel like I need to be cautious about showing even basic, platonic affection (e.g. hugging).
Would it take heterosexuality falling into a minority for us to feel less confident making assumptions about someone’s sexuality? It seems so unrealistic to hope for a culture that does not or cannot assume sexuality based on gender. You would think, though, based on the frequency of identities that claim non-hetero, we would consider it a more likely option than we do.
