It was a humid, rainy morning when I decided. After two years, I finally had enough. With tears running down my face, I called my mom and simply said, "It's time." She knew what I meant, she had just been waiting for me to finally come to terms with it. Within the 30 minutes it took me to get to work, we had a plan. I was leaving.
It was during that car ride that I finally cried out to God. I had been trying to make things work on my own and I had failed. Again. All the plans I had made for the rest of my life had completely fallen apart. Again. I felt like an utter and complete failure.
"I CAN'T DO THIS," I screamed at Him "GOD I NEED YOU!"
Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
Have you been there before? Maybe God told you to give up a relationship, a friendship or control of a situation. Obeying God isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. I was devastated. I had worked so hard to make things work. I had sacrificed everything and laid it all on the line because I was all in. But that's the thing about relationships, BOTH of you have to be all in.
Two days later, as I stood in the empty house that was supposed to become our home, I thought about how I got there. I thought about how I had known from the beginning it wasn't what God wanted for me, but I wanted it SO BADLY that I didn't care. I thought about all the red flags that had flown right before my eyes, but I didn't want to see so I squeezed them shut. I thought about how things started changing when I started going back to church and started working on my relationship with God. As I grew closer to God, my ex and I grew farther apart.
Take courage my heart,
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
I had absolutely NO idea what I was going to do or how I was going to do it, but I knew one thing: God was on my side and that's all I needed
"It's in Your hands God. Have Your way," and with that, I walked out of that house and away from that chapter of my life.
I had to give up control. I had to come to terms with the fact that I don't always know what's best for my life and I am not in control of it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Everyone around me kept saying how strong I was but I felt like I was one hug away from shattering. That's when I found 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
And He'll reveal all to come
It's been four months now. I still struggle. I've had countless sleepless nights where I've cried myself to sleep while asking God to take the pain away. I've had moments where I wanted to give up completely. I've fought my depression harder than I've ever had to. There's that old saying "time heals all wounds" so I begged God to make time go by faster. Then, one night, my life group leader said "time doesn't heal all wounds. It's time WITH GOD that heals all wounds." It all comes back to God.
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
I've also had moments of indescribable joy. Through it all, I've felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Even though my heart was broken, I've never questioned if I made the right choice. My relationship with Jesus is stronger and better than ever and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I still struggle on a regular basis, but I'm learning to give up my control because I never really had it anyway. God's got me and He's not gonna start letting me down now.
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
The past four months have been some of the most challenging of my life. But I've seen so much good happen. I've gotten more involved with my church and found a church family that is genuine and loving. I've been able to travel and see my friends and family more often. I've been able to rediscover my passions and do things I want to do for me. I'm learning to find my worth in Jesus instead of people. I've been able to get back into my journalism career and write for a living. I'm learning to love and be loved again, the way God intended.
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun
God may have closed a part of my life, but the doors He's opened for me are so, SO much better than I could have imagined. So if you're struggling with letting go of something you know God is telling you to, just do it. It's going to hurt but being molded into who God wants you to be doesn't always feel good. He is the Potter and we are the clay. Let Him do His work to make you into the masterpiece He intended you to be. It's in your brokenness that He loves to meet you. He's just waiting for you to trust Him.
And You who hold the stars
Who call them each by name
Will surely keep, Your promise to me
That I will rise, in Your victory
No matter what, I would rather have Jesus. Through it all, it is well with my soul. He's not finished with me yet.
