Hey you.

I mean, me. Hey me.

I get asked rather often what I wish I could have told you a while back if I had had the knowledge then that I have now. This is assuming, of course, that I have learned something of great value in the time between our existences that could have altered my present situation. Some of the times it has been asked of me, it’s been in a casual setting, like an ice-breaker or at a sleepover party, meant to be taken lightly. Most popularly, however, this is a question posed in church-related environments such as youth group, small group, cabin time during retreats, et cetera. In these settings especially, the question is often asked in conjunction with a deep discussion about our pasts (specifically, the shameful parts) or immediately following a discussion about forgiveness. That being said, there is a set of unspoken guidelines to what follows the question. If your answer can be both heartfelt and inspiring, with a touch of responsibility for your past actions, you earn an invisible Self-Awareness medal to add to your collection. Additionally, your answer should align with advice you didn’t take, pointing to a moment in your life that many have shaken their heads at; a moment that wouldn’t have happened if only you would have realized your youth and stupidity as it was playing out as your only reality.

As you know, you’re not good at answering this one and that you’ve struggled to answer this question satisfactorily. Here are some of your historically finest answers:

I would tell eight-year-old me never to take her hair’s natural curl for granted because puberty will destroy that, too.

I would tell 10th-grade me that denim on denim didn’t go out of style long enough for it to be cool again.

I would tell my two-months-ago self that Mom and Dad moved the trash can before taking advantage of muscle memory and spending 20 minutes removing milk from a wood slat floor.

I would tell 10-minutes-ago me to preheat the oven in a timely fashion so that future me doesn’t have to talk current me out of devouring the whole bowl of cookie dough ever again because all three of us know it is in vain.

I hate this question.

I believe this to be a foolish question.

There is nothing I want to say to any version of my past self for this simple deduction: I have not a single reason to believe that I can possibly understand the way my life could be different now if you hadn’t chosen the path you did.

See, you went through a lot of things I now refer to as challenges and rough seasons. There are a lot of things that you try to forget because they were plain stupid. I would hate to downplay the importance of taking ownership of your past mistakes, but I do not mind devaluing the gravity this question often imposes on moments of the past. Those things are such a huge part of who I am now, it would be a tragedy to warn myself against something I don’t even fully understand now, years after it has played out. It’s easy to say “If only I had done XYZ instead of ABC, my life wouldn’t be this difficult, painful or complicated.” What isn’t easy is to accept the fact that there is an aspect of the importance/meaning of reality that we will never be able to grasp. For that reason, we can never be sure that a different action “then” could have improved “now,” whether or not it seems like the blatantly “better” alternative on the surface. And sure, there is definitely something to be said for the wisdom that age and experience bring. But the risk of losing some vital pieces of yourself that grew from and exist solely because of a temporarily painful and perhaps shameful moment in your life is too great.

So, here’s to you, past self. For a change, I’d like to thank you, rather than reprimand you. Thank you for persisting, for learning how to laugh at yourself, for counting your losses and not allowing them to define you.