I just want to let you know that you're not the only one terrified. You're not the only one who's deeply afraid of exposing your flaws, quirks, and weaknesses to the world. Maybe you've been scarred before-whether it be family, friends, or significant others. But guess what? We all have in one way or another. Just because some of these wounds seem smaller than others doesn't mean they don't pierce the heart any less.
I know what it feels like to be surrounded by a group of friends, and still feel lonely. I know what it's like to lose your voice in a group because you're scared your input sounds stupid, or you feel like what you have to say isn't exciting or worthy enough to contribute to the conversation. It's paralyzing trying to put yourself out there. Sometimes it's easier to be the observer rather than the one being observed. Sometimes it's just easier to choose to be isolated rather than allowing other people to isolate you.
It's agonizing bottling up every emotion instead of vocalizing your feelings because you're afraid they might see your Achilles heel and take advantage of that. I've been and still am the girl who chooses to act ditzy and absentminded toward certain people because I'm forever afraid of cultivating deeper relationships and being abandoned. That's my mask, my defense mechanism. You're not the only one who laughs and smiles everything off, even when you're hurting on the inside.
Most people say it's easier to play it safe, to have that security blanket of strength and not of fragility. But, don't you miss what it's like to open up to a close friend, to feel that weight lifted off of your shoulders? Aren't you curious about what it feels like to love and to be loved in return? It's getting old really fast-always having to be self-conscious of suppressing your feelings, of putting a barrier between you and the rest of the world. At the end of the day, is this safety net really worth clutching onto in comparison to the deep, authentic relationships you could develop?
Yes, it's devastating to experience heartbreak over and over again. Family and friends can hurt you too, you know. But, isn't it also relieving to finally open up to your parents and come to the realization that they've been there all along? There's no other feeling like staying up until 3 a.m. with your friends and just sharing about your most random, sometimes truly raw emotions and thoughts. That feeling of choosing someone and to be chosen in return is one of the most beautiful things one can experience.
Don't sacrifice all these things just because you've been hurt in the past. At the end of the day, by keeping that mask on, you're only breaking your own heart.
