I am an extremely joyful person. I’m the kind of person who wakes up excited in the morning and I’ve actually been told that I smile too much. But, like most people, I’ve been through some dark, hopeless times. Times where I couldn’t see the good in anything and I didn’t have any answers. Times where I felt lonely, worthless, and terrified.

My struggle was an eating disorder. God allowed for there to be darker times in my life so that I could learn how utterly dependent I am on Him.

I don’t know how exactly and or even when, but I developed a severe eating disorder in 11th grade. Eating disorders are not something that people are comfortable talking about. I think that is because it can be embarrassing and it seems like a selfish struggle. But it’s definitely a problem that countless people struggle with and need help with. My eating disorder totally overcame my life. I was still trying to be joyful and enjoyed where I was, but the life was gradually being stripped out of me.

I was overworking myself at the gym every day and felt guilty when I would skip a workout. I was absolutely terrified and consumed by food and eating. I was hurting my body greatly because of this obsession. I knew that I couldn’t be perfect, but I was trying to be as perfect as I could. My relationship with my body and the food I was eating, was a relationship rooted in fear and distrust. I was never satisfied with myself and I wanted to be in control.

I’ve had unresolved stomach issues since 6th grade which fueled my eating disorder, but really it came from my desire to be accepted by myself, and the people around me. I tried and tried for months to get better, but just couldn’t. I failed and I didn’t know what to do. It hurt me so much and isolated me from joy.

Truthfully, I felt like I was just going to die. It also really affected and hurt my friends and family. I was broken. I didn’t have answers or the power to heal myself on my own. Even though I desperately wanted to, I couldn’t just stop or make it go away. It wasn’t a choice, it felt more like a disease. I cried out to the Lord and desperately prayed for it to end. In God’s perfect timing, he took away the desires and actions of my eating disorder.

God is really awesome and really powerful, even at times when we are at our absolute lowest points.

Ephesians 3:20 says, “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or think according to the power at work within us, to Him be the Glory!”

By releasing the enslavement that I was in, He gradually gave me the most overwhelming sense of joy and contentment. I didn’t suddenly figure out the perfect resolution or cure for my issue. It was Him slowly working in my life and changing my heart and mind. He created in me an utter reliance and dependence on Him. I tried to be in control of my life, but fortunately, I don’t possess the strength or wisdom necessary to do that.

Now, I struggle as a normal person with temptations, but I am not enslaved. There is a huge difference. I'm sure many of you are struggling with some pain. The pain you’re feeling truly cannot compare to the joy that the Lord has in store for you. God did not make me perfect by healing me, rather, I am able to experience His perfection through my weakness.

When you are struggling it can definitely seem like you are completely alone or hopeless and God is not there. However, I can say confidently that if you wait for the Lord and desire Him, He will strengthen you and you will be amazed by what He can do.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, others, and God through my issues. People cannot save you. Food cannot save you. Trying to be in control or perfect will not save you. And you cannot save yourself. God loves you unconditionally, even when you are hurting or failing. Give God your weakness and He will give you His strength.

I have struggled, I still struggle, and I will continue to. But, my hurt is not hopeless and I know now that the Lord is always SO GOOD. I encourage you to seek God in your pain and trust that He will meet you there, at the right time. But, I don’t think that God always allows us to completely overcome our struggles. If we could defeat our struggles, then our reliance on the Lord would diminish over time. There are some things that we may battle for our entire lives.

But that should not cause you to be discouraged. In your pain, the Lord’s great light will shine through, and all you have to do, is follow it.