Every time it happens, you get this weird feeling in the pit of your stomach at first. It’s like a cross between dread and anger. The wind is knocked out of you and you’re aware of every physical sensation that rolls through you. It’s the worst type of adrenaline rush. Then you start to move, whether it’s talking to a friend, making a social media post, or walking around in circles, you have to move. You’ll do anything to offset the ferocity of your body’s initial physical response, but anxiety isn’t easily defeated. Eventually, at some point in the day, you move yourself into a quiet space feeling nothing but fatigue where you enter a conversation between your head and your heart.
Head: Why are you so shaken? You didn’t know the person that died this time. Stay focused and get to work. Check the sources and read the statements. You know the drill…
Heart: Why wouldn’t I be shaken? This is another dead body. It could have been my dead body. This body is dead because it looks like me. Someone who used to be here is not here anymore and the person responsible is a paid government official. They can do things like that. They can get away with things like that.
Head: They can. It’s set up that way for their protection in their line of work.
Heart: What about my protection? Or my father’s? Or my brother’s? What is the system doing for our protection? Do we all have to die before they see that we aren’t lying?
Head: Focus. Organize the facts: the police have changed their statement multiples times, the witnesses are telling one collective story that differs from the allegations, the video offers some context as to what happened right before the shooting, officers in this department only receive 22 weeks of training, this police department did not attend the convention that was hosted at the White House surrounding this issue… you need more data on the quotas…
Heart: I don’t want to talk about data. I want to talk about people. My people. Did you hear the screams when his daughter found out what happened to her dad? If that was my father…
Head: All you need is information. That is how you help make a change. Detach yourself and find the facts. They don’t care about your feelings. They won’t change their minds unless you have the facts. Go back and re-read that article about implicit biases. You need more proof to make sure that people under how systemic racism works.
Heart: How many times do I have to do this before it becomes real to them? Every time it happens we get the facts, we tell them the truth, we argue, and then we go back to living our lives like it never happened. If they wanted facts, they would have listened the first few times. How many black men have died this year?
Head: You said you’d stop counting after the last time, remember? But you can look up that statistic after you look into the officer’s history. You can’t make them see without the facts. That’s what they’re going to ask you for and that’s the best chance that you have to make them care.
Heart: And what if they don’t care? What if they never decide to care and all of this does nothing to save them? You always have the facts ready. It’s not working. We have to do something.
Head: We are doing something. This is what they think is the right way and as long as you do it the right way, you can get them on your side.
Heart: It’s been years.
Head: You’re trying to shift the mindset and the culture of an entire country and you’re not even out of undergrad yet. This country has had the same mindset for centuries. It’s going to take a few years.
Heart: I am tired. I don’t want to look at this stuff anymore.
Head: You have to be ready. You’ll have an opportunity to educate. If you don’t, then who will? This is how you’ll save them.
Heart: I can’t even guarantee that I will save myself. If you want to talk stats, black women are disproportionately at risk for experiencing police brutality as well, let alone black trans women…
Head: You’re using the statistics the wrong way now. Aim them at America, not at yourself.
Heart: You’re using the emotions the wrong way. Honor them for yourself, not for America.
Head: So what? The plan is to loot a store now? You know what they think about that. It will invalidate the movement in their eyes and perpetuate the “thug,” “ghetto,” “savage,” and “ratchet” stereotypes that haunt African Americans.
Heart: If that was your dad, you wouldn’t respond aggressively? You wouldn’t want to scream and shout and riot? If this took place in your neighborhood, you wouldn’t react out of anger? Who are they to tell me how to grieve? I hate them.They don’t get to decide how we grieve.
Head: They are also our only hope of enacting real change. There are more of them than there are of us. You can’t hate them. You need them. There are good ones, you know.
Heart: Yes, but why aren’t more of them outraged?! I hate scrolling down my timeline and watching half of my friends post about this issue and express their concerns while the other half of them are sharing cat videos. This is the only thing I can think about. I am on pins and needles over here fearing for my life and the lives of the people that I love all the time. If they have time to post about cat videos and vacations in the islands, then they have time to help us! More than half of this country disagrees with us.
Head: Some people can’t look past what the system has taught them. You have to be smarter than the system.
Heart: Right, because if I’m not smarter than the system, then I die right?
Head: Honestly?
Heart: Honestly. Calculate it. What are the odds?
Head: That’s too big of a question for me to reply with a simple answer, but yes. Even if you are never a victim of police brutality,despite the fact that the odds are statistically stacked against you as a black woman, you may very well spend the rest of your life fighting for a cause that half of your country doesn’t believe in. It will hurt like it’s hurting you now. That’s how you’ll die spiritually and mentally.
Heart: Maybe this is what I need to push me over the edge. I can’t take it anymore. What do we do? What aren’t we doing? Why don’t they listen to us? Chanting and praying without action is not going to fix this. They need to do something. I don’t want to hear about how “all lives matter” anymore. If all lives matter really mattered, we wouldn’t have to explain why black lives matter.
Head: Going crazy is not an option. You have to focus.
Heart: So we gather statistics, we tell them, and then we beg them to understand. When has that ever worked? I’m losing my grip on reality here. I can’t watch another video of a black man dying… Why don’t they censor that stuff?!
Head: Because a dead black body is commonplace in our society and you don’t need me to tell you that. What do you propose we do since you have all of the answers tonight?
Heart: Facts alone are not working.
Head: What else do you have?
Heart: I have my voice, I have my talents, I have my experiences. I have me. That’s it.
Head: And what about you will make them change their minds?
Heart: I don’t know. You’re the brains. I just feel things.
Head: So then maybe can make them feel what you feel?
Heart: I thought you said no violence…
Head: I challenged your thoughts on violence, there’s a difference. I’m not judging you for feeling how you feel, that would be ineffective. I wanted you to stop so my response to your anger was to give you a reason to control it. You understood that you had something to lose by not focusing on the task at hand. It’s just like with the rioters. They’re losing members of their community, so they think they have nothing else to lose. The same thing goes for “All Lives Matter” folks and people who challenge us. They think that they have nothing to lose by doing so.
Heart: They don’t. Do they?
Head: They do. Their country.
Then the conversation ends as both sides of you finds peace in the resolution. You grab a cup of tea, send a text, or even do some homework. You watch the news. You post on social media. You pray. You meditate. All these acts of peace create a sense of normalcy that your soul clings to. It is quiet in your head and calm in your heart. You are waiting as the fate of the United States of America hangs in the balance, but you are confident. We shall overcome, someday soon.
