My entire childhood I longed for a perfect love story. The sweet, innocent, storybook kind of ending that most little girls dream of. I wanted to be loved, desired and sought after just like my favorite Disney princesses were by their brave, handsome, and charming male counterparts. I wanted to have songs and poems written about me by the man of my dreams. I wanted to be listened to, to be cherished, to be someone’s one and only. What girl doesn’t want that? Better yet, what person doesn’t want to be loved? I mean God literally has woven it into our DNA. It’s at the root of who we are as human beings. We long for and desire close intimate relationship.
For a long, long time I have believed and bought into the lie that I am undesirable, unwanted, not worthy of love. From my family, friends, guys, and even from God at times. If we are honest, I think a lot of times we all feel that way. But this lie runs deep. It's about to get real, I hope you’re ready.
I set my two feet on my campus the first day of my freshman year of college and the boys in their skinny jeans, beanies and thrift store flannels, were strategically placed all around campus casually glancing at 1 Corinthians 13 or playing worship music on their guitars while the sweet, bubbly, hopeful young girls ooh and ah at who is the most spiritual, who would pursue them best… and who is the cutest of course. I was one of those girls. I had never seriously dated anyone nor had much if any experience with boys in high school. I was like a little kid in a candy store. I had never seen so many good-looking Godly men in such a high concentration before in my life. And being the innocent, wide-eyed, ready to find my soul mate girl that I was, I dove right in.
A few months into classes, I noticed him. The seemingly perfect, upperclassmen guy. He was tall, athletic, wore thick-framed glasses, and carried his well-worn brown leather study bible with him wherever he went. The first thing he asked me was what I read for my devotionals that day. I was smitten. But he didn’t notice me for a long time. In fact, I watched and waited and befriended him while he used me to seek out relationships with friends of mine. Dysfunctional, I know. Eventually, though he did take notice. Spring semester was a dream. I finally was receiving the affection I had always wanted and it couldn’t have been from a more wonderful person. After meeting my family and asking for my dad’s permission, we began dating in April of my freshman year. Everything in my life seemed to be perfect. I had the cute, Jesus loving; a baseball-playing boyfriend who I was certain was the one God wanted me to marry. I had gained the respect of my peers and professors. I was finding new leadership opportunities on our campus to be involved in and I had an incredible job through the university. God was just pouring out blessings on me. Life was a dream. But sometimes we have to wake up from the dream and step into reality.
Fast forward to the spring semester of my sophomore year. A lot had changed. I was still dating my boyfriend but our relationship was so dysfunctional. What began as a god centered relationship soon turned into a dangerous infatuation. And when that happened a lot of other issues began to arise. We fought all the time. I was being verbally and emotionally abused. I felt more insecure than ever before as he began to pick up on my flaws and faults and point them out more and more often. I wanted to be pursued and loved by a man who was chasing after girls who weren’t me. I was never good enough. I suddenly wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. I was a mess. I lost all of who I was because all of my identity, all of my worth was wrapped up in another person who was supposed to protect me and fight for me and instead broke me into a thousand shards of the person I once was. But I was so sure this was the man God wanted me to be with so I thought, I am fighting for this with everything I have in me because isn’t that what love is?
After a long back and forth drawn out process, we finally broke things off for good. (Can I get an amen?) God has restored so much of me and then some since then. I am a completely different person than who I was, even before that relationship. But something still remains. The desire to be loved, pursued and wanted.
At the root of all this, I find my struggle with feeling undesirable and unwanted stems from the lie I have believed for all this time. I feel unworthy of being loved because I have always been someone’s second choice. I have never been someone’s one and only. The dreams I had, even as a little girl, of this fabled prince charming, have not yet come true. And the scarier realization is that, unfortunately, I don’t know that they ever will. But this I do know. He who promised is faithful. I have a God. A mighty, merciful, loving God who has promised to always choose me first. He is a lover. He chases after my heart and pursues be better than any man ever could. And while waiting for the right man gets pretty freaking frustrating sometimes, I’d rather wait for the right man then settle for the wrong one. God has me in this season to grow me in unimaginable ways. And guess what? I’m learning that marriage is not the end all be all of the existence. I was not given life to get married. I was given life to love people, to love God, to serve others humbly, to walk alongside the broken. When we begin to walk in faith and believe that He who promised is faithful all the lies we believe, all our broken dreams, all our fears about the future, are lost in the vastness and depth of His great love for us. That love is the end all, be all. That is the love I want.
