I finally heard Kesha’s newest song, entitled “Praying,” and thought about what exactly the song was about, everything she had been through. When I started thinking about all the pain she was feeling and letting out through her lyrics, I felt pain of my own, reminding me of everything I had been through with my ex. My ex never hit me, but he put me through hell just the same. He never hit me, not once. He never laid his hands on me in anger, but I still feel a sting of pain when someone talks about domestic violence and dating abuse.
He never hit me, but he manipulated me into thinking I was nothing.
He never hit me, I went to bed with red, hot tears streaming down my face because my unhappiness was palpable, but it went completely ignored.
He never hit me, but my feelings meant nothing to him.
He never hit me, but he belittled my anxiety and depression.
He never hit me, but he also never held me when I needed it.
He never hit me, but blamed me for everything.
He never hit me, but nothing was ever good enough.
He never hit me, but made me feel worthless.
He never hit me, but ignored me.
He never hit me, but male friends were out of the question. Only whores have male friends.
He never hit me, but I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends about how I was feeling.
He never hit me, but he made me feel guilty for wanting my voice to be heard.
He never hit me, but my goals weren’t important.
He never hit me.
It’s so easy to rationalize the pain he put you through by shrugging it off, “at least he never hit me.” Maybe he’s right; maybe I’m crazy and too emotional. It’s so easy to belittle the hell he put you through because you emerged from it without a bruise in sight. But your bruises are hidden, aren’t they? Your bruises don’t litter your skin, little purple reminders of his anger. Your bruises are present on your self confidence, your happiness, and your heart. But, he never hit me.
I always accepted his empty apologies, a kiss on the cheek and a promise that it will never happen again. I stifled my feelings and fears because I loved him. I looked past the bullshit because I prayed to God that he meant it this time. But, he never hit me.
How many times did I go to bed not knowing where you were? Tossing and turning praying everything was okay, just to have a text from you when I woke up with an excuse. There was always an excuse. I wanted so badly to talk to you about the way I was feeling. You never let me talk to you, no matter how badly I wanted for you to hear me out so we could fix it. Nothing was ever fixable, because you never wanted to. I eventually stopped trying because of the fear I felt when I tried being transparent. But, he never hit me.
As I write this, tears form and fall from my eyes thinking about all the other ladies who have felt this pain. I pray you find the strength from within to stand up and say, “Enough. I am enough.”
I love you.
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic or dating abuse, please visit: http://www.thehotline.org/ or call: 1-800-799-7233.
