I think the worst part of my anxiety is the unexpected 'PTSD' moments. Out of nowhere, it's like getting hit in the head with a bat and I'm back in that moment.

PTSD, also known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Soldier’s Heart, is, in my opinion, one of the most difficult things to deal with. It’s something that I have never taken lightly.

I used to think that PTSD was something that only soldiers dealt with. Until I was diagnosed with it.

In my blog, Anxiety, I spoke about an event that I dealt with a few months ago. I thought I would dig a little more into that event and explain how I felt, what happened, etc.

It was a normal night. I was at home and wanted to watch a movie so I started scrolling. Now, let me tell you. Netflix has some good movies when you start really looking for them. Well, I somehow ended up in the ‘Thriller’ section and found a movie called Amber Alert. Well, let me just tell you, this looked like a crappy movie to begin with. And I thought that was all it was. I’m not going to go into too much information but I will give you a little behind the scenes, IMDB kind of movie background information. This movie was made in 2012. A movie made to draw attention to the importance of watching out for amber alerts. Basically, a few college students venture out on an adventure to make an amateur movie for an audition for some sort of program they’re trying to get into. As they are driving, they see a car that has the same description as the car in an amber alert notice. So they decide to follow the car. A lot of the movie is of them just arguing – stressful and annoying. A lot happens and it is incredibly frightening how real it is. For me, it hit a little too close to home. Nowhere near what I have been through but incredibly too real for me.

By the end of the movie, I was yelling, fighting any affection, and bawling my eyes out. Shaking, heart racing, tears rolling down my face. A feeling that doesn’t stop. For about 30 minutes. I even had to go online to make sure that this was a fictional story so I could sleep. A movie has never gotten to me like that before until that night.

This was one of my first moments I had experienced my PTSD that will probably always stick in the back of my mind.

To start off with, I had to come home from P.C. After an incredible weekend last weekend with Sean, coming home was so difficult. Being apart from someone you care about is never easy.

Then with going to the dentist, I experienced a lot of situational anxiety. It’s not that my teeth are going to fall out or that they are super bad, it’s not like I hate my dentist, it’s just the fact that I have no control over anything in my mind telling me that I’m going to be okay. Just like Sean’s mom said, I can tell myself all I want that I’m okay and nothing bad is happening; it just doesn’t help at all. Anyways, I was sitting in the office. I felt very shaky and unstable. I texted my mom freaking out and she had to remind me to breathe. I had no idea why I felt this way, I just did. Going to the dentist has always been an awful situation for me. My old dentist office was very strange mainly because the dental hygienists were so incredibly rough on my teeth. So now every time I go to the dentist, BAM. Bad memories.

Lastly, a while back, I was going through a lot of boxes trying to get ready to move and I just felt so incredibly tense and upset. My heart was beating weird. Not because I’m scared to move or anything like that; I was seeing memories that I didn’t want to have to deal with. Or see. Reliving old memories is a huge part of PTSD. In fact, that’s clearly what it is.

Although these events seem very minimal, I was having a hard time this week. Of course, there were some other issues that I had to deal with that were difficult and personal. But something that I learn anytime something goes wrong is that there is always a new day, a new week, and a new month. Tomorrow, wake up and make it a better day than the day before. Even if last week wasn’t your week, change something. Learn from your mistakes. Figure out what went wrong and make it better. When you go through a tough situation, remember that it won’t last.

I know I know, I’m laughing at myself too for giving advice that I need to take myself.

Although I do have my hard moments, whether it’s one day or a week, I am trying to teach myself to look at the bright side of things. Sometimes it is difficult, but I’m trying.

PTSD is no joke. It is not something anyone should joke about. PTSD is one of those situations that is hard to explain until you’ve dealt with. And even then, it’s not something you really want to discuss. PTSD is not one of those moments that someone can just tell you breathe in and out, it’s okay. Sometimes, it takes your own willpower and your own strength to make things okay. You find your own solid ground and you make yourself okay.

I’m trying my hardest to be strong, to be happy, to make things okay.

Sometimes it’s not, and sometimes it is.

I’m thankful for those of you who stick around, supporting me, praying for me, sending me good vibes, understanding me, and being patient with me.

Original blog post found on Kaley Susanna A Blogs