“The deepest pain I ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable,” (Nicole Lyons).

Recently, in my Abnormal Psychology course at Winona State University, we started talking about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy focuses on the idea that: “I can change what I can, and I can accept what I can’t change.” I think that as a population, this is a really important perspective to consider. In college, just as in many other life circumstances, we're expected to be happy, healthy people, with small inconveniences or no problems to be had. When asking how someone is, the expected response is "I'm good", as opposed to the truth; seriously, try it, it really throws people for a loop when they offhandedly ask you how you are, and you respond, "well my car broke down, I just got broken up with, and my cat died." Most of the time, people don't know how to respond to any comment other than good or alright. We're comfortable with the good or the alright, we grow uncomfortable with any deviance from those. In reality, it's not a sustainable way of living to continue to not acknowledge that there are things that are bad or potentially make us unhappy.

I’m not saying that we should dwell in bad thoughts or feelings, or that we should constantly fixate on these hardships, but I think it’s important for us to acknowledge them and attempt to work through them. I’m going to exemplify this by sharing some of my recent experiences. While I have a lot of positive things going on in my life: I was lucky enough to be selected to attend a leadership women’s event, I’m working on completing my majors in fields I love, I’ve got an amazing community of friends and family who are constantly helping me and pushing me to complete my dreams; I think it’s critical (in a mental and emotional sense) that I acknowledge that there are also negative things that have happened: I lost a loved one, someone incredibly important to me dropped out of my life without even a hint of goodbye, and I had a potential friend treat me very badly. As a college student experiencing these situations, due to social “expectations”, I normally avoid talking about these negative experiences due to reasons like: not wanting to bring down my friends, making people uncomfortable, coming off as a sad person, etc. This is not healthy behavior.

Now, I’m not saying that I should completely focus on these circumstances, but I think that the general response to talking about things similar to these is to simply move on, life is good, it could be worse. As the quote at the beginning of my article states, the common reaction to personal issues is to simply ignore these feelings in order to maintain the status quo of constant happiness or general positivity. This is not a healthy behavior.

One example of this is a type of therapy that I referenced previously in this article. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: changing the things we can, accepting the things we cannot. Let me apply this to one of my personal situations. I am going to choose the experience I recently had when someone I really cared about opted to remove me from their life, without giving me a warning or explanation as to why. First, I’ll start with a thought pattern that we would want to change, according to this line of therapy. Now, let’s say that this person “ghosted” me not only once, but twice (true story). Potentially, this could result in me believing that everyone important to me will leave me and I am incapable of holding a relationship (not a true story). If I started having thoughts like that, those would be thoughts that I can and should change; there are a variety of reasons that this situation could have happened that have nothing to do with me, I have plenty of people in my life who have consistently been in my life, and I am capable of holding a relationship. On the other hand, this situation could result in a thought pattern that we would want to accept. Naturally, following this situation, I felt sad and slightly rejected. Those are completely normal and natural feelings after an experience like that, and because these are normal feelings, we don’t necessarily want to get rid of them. Instead, it’s important for me to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. There are many healthy behaviors that we can participate in to help to work through difficult or negative situations.

From here, I think it’s important to talk about various healthy habits or self-care practices in order to work through negative thoughts and feelings. Here are some things that work for me.

• Yoga. I freaking love yoga. By incorporating yoga into my daily routine, it gives me time to reflect on where I’m at mentally while simultaneously working on where I’m at physically.
• Reading. I find reading to be a wonderful escape from negative situations. Reading gives me time to focus on something other than my life and what might be currently occurring, which helps me to put situations back into perspective.
• Maintaining normal routine. I think that when people are sad, it’s fairly easy to take a break from normal routines, which can be going to work, attending classes, etc. Sometimes, a break is perfectly and healthy after an upsetting experience. Some things warrant taking some time off to recover. On the other hand, however, this can also be problematic. Eventually, it’s important to get back to a more “normal” routine, in order to feel like yourself again. Attending classes and work can help to put meaning back into our lives when things get hard.
• Reaching out to friends and family. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard to reach out to those most important to you to tell them you’re having a hard time. I’m not sure if it’s because we want to protect others or ourselves or some other reason, but it can be hard regardless. It’s really important to reach out to friends and family, as these are the people who know us the best and can help us the most. Often, friends and family will do everything in their power to help you regain your sense of self.
• Try therapy. There are some situations where, try as we might, we just can’t “fix” it on our own, and that’s perfectly okay. After experiencing any type of negative or upsetting event or situation, it can be massively beneficial to begin some type of therapy. Therapists are people who are literally trained in helping people feel better.
• Take time to relax and unplug. In our generation, it’s very easy to feel like you have to constantly be on your phone in order to keep up with our everyday lives. When trying to feel better, however, it can be really important to turn phones, computers, and other electronics off. Often, these devices hold anxiety-inducing or sadness-provoking information when we’re feeling down. There are constant notifications from work, constant reminders that other people are feeling better or happier than we might be. By taking a break from these devices, we can let go of some of those imposed feelings.
• Organize or re-organize your schedule, spaces, life. Sometimes, when I’m sad, I let my room become messier. Not only does this bother me visually, but it’s a visual reminder that I’m not as happy as I normally am. If I take the time to clean or organize my room and my schedule, then I normally start feeling a little better as well, it helps me to regain control.

These are seven practices that work for me. They may not work for everyone, but there are so many more available to people. It’s important to find your habits and practices that work for you specifically, so that when you start feeling sad or bad, you’re able to deal with that, rather than hide it and ignore it.

“Acceptance does not mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work. It also means you know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay,” (Iyanla Vanzant).