I’ve been struggling with waves of depression for as long as I can remember.
I hadn’t understood the feeling “my life isn’t worth living” was abnormal until I was 15. I have been feeling that way since fifth grade.
Throughout my life, I’ve only ever been in a high or low emotional state. Waking up for high school was a daily struggle, but somehow I always motivated myself to get all the work done. That’s just who I am, I’ve always done what needed to get done. It was my way of finding self-worth before I even knew what that meant. If I could get an A on a test, or pump out a paper, then I knew I was successful. I didn’t have many close friends or friends at all for that matter. I just liked to be home all the time.
Thinking about social interaction outside of school gave me extreme anxiety, so I tended to avoid those situations altogether.
This anxiety started an unhealthy pattern in my life. I participated in track when I was a freshman and was friendly with many people, but they all had best friends, so I was never a “go-to.” A lack of close girlfriends left me feeling isolated. I had been looking for a connection, any kind really.
I found that in a boy.
A boy I dated for three years. We were that typical high school relationship that everyone knew wouldn’t last, but we thought it would. Our teenage romance blinded both of us. We were happy, and although things were imperfect, we were always there for each other. I would go through periods of depression, and he would come over and cuddle me while we watched TV. He went through a rough patch, and I was there for him through it all. I learned how to deal with sad feelings by having someone I loved to hold me close. I never did it on my own. When I was alone, all I ever thought about was the next time I would see him.
I created this bubble that I lived in for the majority of my high school career.
Of course, the relationship comes to an end as soon as I go off to college. I realized there were more compatible people out there for me. Unfortunately, I ride out the high of being single for only a few short weeks before I fall in love with yet another boy. This time, I am so unhappy with my life that I wake up every day telling myself everything will be fine because I have someone to talk to every night. It was great for a short time until I realized that he was also unhappy with his life. I realized we couldn't fix each other, and it was ultimately our demise.
I was then in a good and happy place.
I had just transferred schools and accepted a bid from my sorority. I was able to go out to parties and have fun without worrying about an hour and a half commute. I was back on a high.
A few weeks go by, and I start to feel low again. I wake up, and it’s like I’ve been hit by a bus. I constantly think there can't possibly be a good reason as to why I am here on this earth. I turn to my current boy crushes for support. They distract me from my unhappiness. They give me something else to think about. I am intoxicated by the feeling of being around them, getting to know them, feeling a connection. It becomes detrimental when I start to obsess over them.
Why won’t they answer me? What did I do wrong? How do I get them back? In these moments I am at my lowest.
I had allowed my emotions to be influenced by those around me. I hadn’t done it on purpose. It was all I knew to go to a boy for comfort. I had been doing it since I was 15. It gave me warm fuzzy feelings and sense of familiarity. Now I had no one, and I had no idea what to do. These new boys absorbed all my effort and support, but I was getting nothing back. The exchange was no longer even.
Somewhere along the line, I realized I couldn’t let this happen again.
I needed to talk to a therapist.
I needed to figure my shit out. I couldn’t allow boys to control how I lived my life or my motivation throughout the day.
Here, in a time where I am trying to embark on a solo quest for happiness, I enter a relationship with a fantastic human being. A man who taught me what It was like to be intellectually stimulated and supported no matter what. Someone I didn’t have to jump through hoops for. Someone I knew was “okay” on his own and somehow taught me that I was “okay” on my own as well.
It seems silly to say that I needed someone to teach me this, but I believe through his actions I realized I was capable of anything I set my mind to. This allowed me to transform. I would not use him to escape my depression. I would merely share how I was doing and fix it on my own.
I learned how to cope with my feelings of sadness and focus my energy.
We weren’t filling in any missing pieces. We made each other better and were a real complementary pair. This relationship has ended, but I am applying all the positive things I have learned with me into my future.
Only I am capable of giving myself a happy life. I've realized that I cannot devote myself to another person until I concentrate on the process of becoming “me.” I have to be okay with leaving people in my past if it means putting myself first. I have to be okay with making decisions based on my own needs, wants, and desires, not those of others. I have to deal with my depression on my own, in my mind, on my own time.
I know I can do these things. I have to prove to myself that I can. I can’t let one rejection ruin my entire day. I can’t let these events change the way I feel so drastically that I become suicidal. From now on I have to focus on me and only me.
There was a day where I fell into my old pattern and was affected by the slight actions of another. My way of dealing with this involved a long car ride to nowhere to reflect on my life. I realized I am here to hustle. I am here to make something of myself. I’m not going to stay up waiting for a text back or expend my emotional energy on something I can’t control. I am here to focus on my grind.
I hope by writing this, other girls realize they can do it too.
