I Hate You

I've come to hate you the last few months. I think I've tried not to for a long time because I blamed myself for what happened. I tried to blame myself for everything for the last three months but I can't take all the blame for this. I'm mad at you. In fact I'm livid. I have all this rage just building in my spirit that has been churning for the last three months and no matter how I try to rationalize it, I'm still mad at you. But I hate that I'm mad at you. I hate even more that I'm not as mad as I should be.

I hate you. I hate how badly you hurt me. I hate how you broke my heart. I hate even more that I don't think you know how badly you hurt me. I hate that I can't tell you either. I have thought about picking up the phone so many times to call you and tell you I hate you but how good would that be? You wouldn't care even if I did. You were never going to care about me. You never had any want to care about me. But here's the thing, I cared about you in the short amount of time I knew you. Why you ask? That's an excellent question. When I figure out an answer I'll let you know.

Maybe I saw in you something different. Maybe you just showed me attention. That's a possibility. Why in hell I thought I had to have attention from you is beyond me though. I have plenty of people around me to show me attention if I want it. But your ass really flipped a switch in my head. I hate you for that. I hate you a lot actually.

I hate that you used me. I hate myself way more for the fact that I let you use me. You didn't twist my arm. I made conscious decisions every step of the way. I really hate myself for that. I wish I could just chock you up to "the good time I had one summer", but I don't think I really did have a good time. I think I just thought you were cool and I thought you were interesting. But really you're no more interesting than any other guy that's ever breezed into my life. I just wish to God I knew why I keep rationalizing in my head that you were.

I don't know. Maybe you were just different than anyone I've ever "hung out" with. Maybe that's what struck me. Who knows? All I know is I've spent the last three months trying to figure it out. I feel like an absolute fool for all of this. I really do. I'm so mad at myself about it I could scream. In fact I have screamed at myself quite a bit over your ass. I hate myself so much for giving you a second thought as I'm sure you never gave me one. But I have allowed you to take over my mind the last three months so much so that I can't even walk out my door without going into hysterics over possibly running into you.

I'll tell you this. You sir have made me absolutely crazy. I've met guys like you before. But you.... You really turned me upside down. My whole world was turned upside down over you and I really have no explanation as to why. I hate that. I hate you. I hate everything about this situation. But, I don't hate the fact that being hurt by you really opened my eyes to who I am as a young woman. I don't hate the fact that knowing you and having my heart broken by you lit a fire in me so hot and intense that I now have all this energy to do something great with my life. You my dear sir, have set fire to my heart and made me realize I am worth more than a fun time on a Friday night. You have made me realize a lot. Thank you for that. You suck.