I always feel really weird when a guy I know I'm never going to be attracted to buys me a drink at the bar. Huh? You got a free drink girl, just go with it! But I can't "just go with it" because there are definitely strings attached. There's no such thing as a "free" drink. When a guy gives you alcohol he does it with the intention of getting something out of it - whether it's a dance, your number, or a blowjob in the bathroom. To him, taking a sip of that vodka soda is the equivalent to signing a contract that you are indebted to him in some way or another.

And how come guys never offer to buy something else on the menu? Like mozzarella sticks, or wings? I'd probably be more enticed to make out with you if you give me food instead of something you might have roofied.

Of course, I am generalizing. There are cutie patooties out there who genuinely enjoy buying girls drinks because they can afford it and are true mensches (thank you Danny Strent and Brette's older brother), but, for the most part, when a guy buys a girl a drink, or chocolate milk, he's usually doing it to get laid. No, that wasn't a typo - even chocolate milk can be used as a sexual ploy.

After leaving a bar on the Lower East Side on a recent Saturday night I stumbled (literally) into Insomnia Cookies because I had never been there and was drunk enough to forget I was broke and on a diet. While waiting for my turn in line I made conversation with two dudes in front of me who were not cute, but friendly enough to keep me entertained. When it was fina-fucking-lly my turn to order I was appalled to find out the steep, steep price for one sugar cookie ($50 I swear to god), and jokingly asked one of the dudes, who I could tell was into me, if he'd buy my cookies. To my surprise, he said yes! I ordered two sugar cookies, and a chocolate milk which he only agreed to pay for if I promised to split with him. Everything was going swell, and since this wasn't a drink at the bar I figured I was in the clear and had nothing to worry about...

...until dude number 2 whispered something to my sugar daddy, and sugar daddy said, "my friend thinks you're taking advantage of me." That shit got me REAL riled up.

I turned to dude number 2 and said, "You think I'm taking advantage of your friend?" He nodded. I replied, "He offered to buy me this, I didn't make him do anything. I'm not obligated to suck him off just because he paid for my dessert." Dude number 2 smirked, and shrugged, so I threw a middle finger at him, yelled "FUCK THE PATRIARCHY, DUDE!" and ran away.

Ladies, listen up! You are NEVER obligated to perform sexual favors because someone bought you something. You are not a prostitute, you are a goddess accepting offerings from admirers; and if any guy has the balls to get mad at you for not living up to end of the bargain they created in their head, flick them the bird, yell "fuck the patriarchy, dude!" and you drink your chocolate milk with dignity.