Dating as a teenager can simultaneously be the most fun and most frustrating thing in the world. Every relationship has its good times and its bad times (we’ve known this forever) but lately even getting into a relationship can be frustrating. Dating’s newest trend, talking, has evolved from an innocent middle phase into a huge mess that doesn’t seem to have an end. For those who are lucky enough to not know what the talking phase is, let me give a brief explanation: there is a short period of time in between meeting someone/developing feelings for them and beginning a relationship. But here’s the thing, this period is no longer short. It’s become an extensively long, grueling process with little to no advancement, which many people (me included) have come to hate.

In theory, the talking phase is great, and it’s not a bad idea to have a little time before jumping into a relationship. Ideally this time would be spent getting to know the basics about the other person and discovering if you might truly have feelings for them. No one can put a set time on the talking phase because every relationship is different, but a potential timeline from meeting to dating could be about a month, at the very most.

I think the way it should go is to first meet and exchange information. See if there is an immediate attraction. If there is an attraction, begin talking. I think this time can range from a week to a month, depending on how comfortable you are and how often you actually speak with this person. This is a great time to hang out in a group setting because it’s less pressure. But anything more than thirty days just drags things out past their “best by” date. After this short period, decide if there are enough feelings to justify entering a relationship. If not, that’s fine, just make it very obvious that there’s nothing more than friendly feelings. If there is, take the plunge and begin dating more seriously.

The main reason I hate this talking phase is because so many potentially great relationships are wasted on this unneeded time, and people can “talk” to more than one person at a time. People are too scared to start real relationships these days because our culture has taught us hooking up is the cool thing and you don’t have to be exclusive to one person. I can’t find any benefits of having a long talking period because by the end of that phase you’ve either learned everything about that person and you’re basically dating without labels, or you’ve just spent weeks on weeks on weeks giving this person your valuable time and it didn’t mean anything. Also, don’t forget: going on dates and talking are two different things. If you are actively going on dates but haven’t started a relationship, that’s okay because you’re still seeing each other and advancing things. If all you do is text and Snapchat and talk briefly at parties, then the relationship can only go so far before it stalls. Long talking phases are toxic!