Every year, we hardy folk in the mid-Atlantic region of the United States adjust to the stereotypical weather of all four seasons, and that means adjusting to temperature changes, wardrobe changes, precipitation changes, and even changes in the nature that surrounds us. Many optimists think we’re #blessed to live in an environment where we get to experience brisk autumns, chilling winters, teasing springs oven-like summers. But for many of us who live here, the four seasons are just another thing to complain about, especially for people like me, who, to quote my mom, “complain like it’s an Olympic sport.” In case you are hiding under the delusion that the four seasons are something to get excited about, I’ve come to put you at ease. Here are detailed explanations of all four seasons, and convincing arguments as to why you should hate them all.
Fall/Autumn
Okay, first thing’s first: we can’t even decide on a legitimate name for this season, so it’s already discredited from being a cool season. When people think of fall, they dream of crunching colorful leaves under their boots, crisp breezes dancing across Patagonia vests, and the ever-cherished PSL (that’s Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those of you who are uninformed) from Starbucks. The reality of fall is that fallen leaves mix with rain and become moldy, the weather is awkwardly in between hot and cold, and everyone starts to look kind of sickly because tans fade (even though memories last forever). In conclusion, fall sucks.
Winter
This is easily the WORST season. It’s cold, need I say more? Chapped lips, chapped faces, chapped everything. People who are happy during winter are WRONG. I know that winter holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah are supposedly “joyful” and “celebratory” but when it’s below 65° outside, it’s physiologically impossible to be anything but miserable. And snow? Yeah, okay. It’s cute to look at snow from inside, but it’s wet and cold and people ball it up and hurl it at each other; snow condones violent behavior and I will not stand for it. The only snow I like is Jon Snow, because how could you not? But all other snow is evil, and in conclusion, winter sucks.
Spring
Spring is laughable. Rain for three months straight? Awesome, love it – NOT. It’s true that April showers bring May flowers, but May flowers bring bugs and pollen and allergies. Flowers and bright colors are terrible, worst ever. The awkward in between weather resurges in spring; it’s always too cold for shorts but too hot for pants, which prompts people to commit the worst of fashion crimes: wearing capri pants. As if that’s not bad enough, everyone’s always cheery during springtime, probably because nature is bright and blooming, and everyone is happy, which is annoying. In conclusion, spring also sucks.
Summer
Unless you really enjoy the smell of sweat, summer is terrible. It’s hotter than Satan’s lair outside, there are bugs EVERYWHERE, and school’s out, and so children and the ice cream truck are actively existing and making noise and running about neighborhoods. The best way to describe summer as a whole is sticky, and although some people may love being caked head-to-toe in dried Popsicle juice and sunscreen, I don’t know anyone who enjoys three straight months of melting cold treats and the constant smell of Banana Boat. In case you had any hope, let me crush it: summer sucks as well.
In a final conclusion, all four seasons suck. Just stay inside and watch TV instead of ever going outside.
