“I woke up with a sense of shock and dread, that makes me want to vomit. Try to get through the day with your head held high. I love you.”

I received this text the morning of November 9. I felt myself waking up, not wanting to open my eyes and face the reality of what had happened the night before. I cried myself to sleep after I cried with my best friend in our common room watching helplessly as our country disgraced us. Donald Trump was elected the 45th President of the United States.

The text I woke up to was one of many I received from family and friends throughout the day, as my political views were very public and I was openly very passionate throughout this entire election. I’m still not sure how to put in words the feelings I have: the knots I have in my stomach, the exhaustion I feel from defeat, the sadness, and the anger. So much anger.

I’m not sure Trump is even the person I’m angry at. I think I’m angry at myself for having such high expectations in my country. I had no idea it harbored so much hate. I was completely aware it existed, but I never, for one second believed it was enough to take over. And I never thought it would be put in power. For that reason, I am also angry at my country.

I’m aware I can’t change the results. I’m aware I can’t go back in time and change the outcome. I know that absolutely nothing I say will change anything about the horrific reality that I and half the country have to endure. In fact, I was aware of that reality as I saw the results come in and could do nothing, but watch it happen. I’m not one to give in to defeat. I’m not one to feel helpless. But I felt that and every other terrible feeling that, if I continued to list it would take up the rest of this article.

Before I continue, I’d like to say something to my family and friends who supported Trump (that is if you bothered to read this far): I do love you. I do respect you. I respect Law Enforcement. I respect our troops. I value this country’s safety and security. I respect your opinion and I know the majority of you are not filled with the disgusting hate that has been unveiled by half the country. I simply completely disagree with you, just as you disagree with me. I am stubborn, but that’s not the reason you will never convince me Trump was the right choice.

I simply cannot respect a man who has called Mexican’s rapists, claimed President Obama wasn’t a citizen, promised to ban an entire religion from entering the country, made fun of the disabled, bragged about committing sexual assault, said women should be punished for having abortions, claimed global warming was made up by the Chinese, admitted to not paying income taxes, denied saying most ,if not all, of things I just listed, couldn’t be trusted with his own Twitter account, but will be trusted with nuclear codes, and encouraged violence and overall hate at his rallies and throughout the country. You can claim he said all of these things just to get a rise out of people and to get more of a following (which he certainly did); that he doesn’t really believe the things he said. I’m sorry, but if that’s the level you need to stoop down to to ensure the win, you are no President of mine.

I’ve had some time to reflect and take in the events of the last few days, even months. This election has changed me. It has revealed things about people in my life and has revealed things about myself. I have deemed myself a feminist for many years now. Friends and family have told me I’m not one to stay silent in times of injustice. I have spoken out when I felt my opinion was necessary, but mostly when it was convenient and I knew I wouldn’t be fought. Looking back on it, I do not believe I have personally spoken out enough. I have cared too much about what people will think of me and I am finally at the point where I am simply done limiting myself. I refuse to be silent.

To my family and friends of the LGBTQ community, the African American, Latinx, and Hispanic communities, Muslim Americans and my fellow women: I will never stop fighting for you. I will use the privileges I have to make sure you are heard and you are safe. I will not speak over you. I will support you. I will always love you. I encourage all of you to keep fighting and make change happen.

“History has it’s eyes on you.”-Hamilton