So here I am at it again. I just had the worst anxiety attack of my entire life. I've had anxiety for awhile but never to the extent I just felt. What caused it you may ask?
Well, nothing really...but a whole lot of small somethings. I don't like the way I feel in my body. I hate it actually. I hate everything about the way I look. I hate my stomach, I loathe my legs, my arms are flabby, my teeth aren't white enough, and the list goes on. I just put on a new pair of jeans, which didn't look that bad to me. Then I added this classic white shirt that I have worn out so many times and my world came crashing in."When did I get so fat?" and "Why am I so fat" were the only two thoughts I had in my mind. Even though compliments were being thrown at me the only thing I could think of was how disgusting I looked. Now, why is this? Did I actually get fat? No, I've weighed the same thing for months now. Am I actually fat? Well no. Even though I can admit this to you guys I will never be able to admit that to myself.
I workout non-stop. Every day for two to three hours constantly pushing myself to be a certain size. Even though I know I can't weigh much less since my body is so happy where it is. I push and push and push until I can barely walk and stumble out of the gym. I do this so I can also eat whatever I want. 5 rice cakes with peanut butter, a smoothie with endless toppings...you name it I probably binge it. And if I can't make it to the gym you'll barely catch me eating, simply enough to curb the hunger pains. So I binge on days I go to the gym and I starve myself on days I don't. No matter how hard that is for me to admit I know its the truth.
I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm afraid that I'll never find a boy who likes me because of my big legs.I'm scared of waking up and not having my clothes fit me one day. My entire existence is based off food and weight because I'm so scared. It is the most unhealthy relationship I have ever had.
Why do I see myself like this? Well, I don't actually know. You can blame the media but I'm not one to even watch TV so I'm not sure where my endless desire to be a size zero came from. It's something I need to stop obsessing over, it's something I need to stop worrying about.
I need to learn to focus on bigger and better things. Like actually studying for once in my life, or creating friendships with someone I consider a stranger. I want to put more energy into my friendships and take care of my family. I need to learn how to love myself for who I am because I can't be anyone else. Then maybe the anxiety will stop.
