Hardened is not the first word that comes to mind when people look at me. You know how some girls are described as having "RBF"? Well I've been described as having "lost puppy dog face" instead. This is both an advantage and a disadvantage. People like to help me because I look sweet and innocent and lost in the world- that's just a fact. But they also think that they can take advantage of that innocence and in the past, I let them. I grew up in a private school in a small town and for most of my life nothing bad ever happened, and so that was my picture of the world. I thought that catcalling was a compliment and that strange men pumped my gas just because they didn't want me to have to stand out in the cold. I believed my peers and even some adults in my life when they told me that people were gay for attention, sexism is long gone, and reverse racism exists. I had never seen adversity so I had no reason to question what I was taught to believe. They say that ignorance is bliss. I was lucky (unlucky?) enough to live in the bubble for longer than most people, but not as long as many others.
I've let the world make me hard. I wish I could say this happened just through watching others' experience, but some things I learned through experience.
You don't question the motives of others until you've had someone threaten your sense of peace and safety.
Struggles of gender, race, and sexual orientation don't exist until you've had friends degraded, insulted, or kicked out of their own homes.
Eating disorders are just about vanity until you look up into the mirror, hating what you see and wondering how your life got so out of control.
People are innocent until you watch them prove themselves guilty time and time again. And all you can do is stand by helplessly and watch.
The world made me hard and I'm glad because I can see the world around me for what it truly is, not just for my own experience within it. I don't walk through life as blindly as I did before.The world made me hard and I'm sad because I see the world around me for what it truly is. I see pain and fear and it's hard to look at but even harder to turn away from. My own naivety let me see others with a sensitive and open heart. Now I flinch when I hear someone approaching behind me in a parking lot. I hate that I feel this way, but even more than that, I hate that it's necessary.The world required that I grow a protective shell to survive, but the more I look around, I think maybe it wasn't me who grew hard after all. Maybe the ignorance, negativity, and fear has caused the world to harden around me.
