When I met him, he had a sort of glow about him. It was the way he looked at you. It wasn’t cliché, where it felt like you were the only person in the room that mattered. It was more complex than that. When he spoke to you, he fell in love with you. He fell in love with the way your words bounced off his words and he noticed the way your eyes fluttered when you were thinking. He gave flakes of his heart to you, and that was his problem. He was always lending out his soul voluntarily and craved the pain of emptiness when he didn’t get it back. It’s almost like he wanted to be lost and enjoyed the not being found.

I don’t know if he was begging for love because he was depressed or if he was depressed because he begged for love. Their brokenness doesn’t make them a mystery; their pain does not make them interesting. Loving someone with depression is the most excruciating experience for both parties involved. During my time with him, I found myself realizing these hard truths about loving someone with depression.

You can’t fix them.

It’s exhausting. You feel like you’re just pumping unconditional love into a bottomless tank. But this is a chemical disease. You can’t fight cancer with a fake smile and pretend it’ll go away. Professional attention is what they need; you can only be supportive through their battle, not their doctor.

You feel inadequate.

We’ve been taught that love brings happiness. There is nothing like being head over heels in love. But when your partner has depression, it feels like the love you give isn’t good enough. Nothing you do can bring them from the deep and dark hole they’ve dug themselves into. Your love begins to feel inadequate.

You feel guilty.

People fight. Healthy couples fight. When another variable, especially depression, is brought into the equation, it adds extra frustration. You might feel like you’re not getting the treatment you deserve because they simply can’t give it to you. You might feel like you are no longer with the person you fell for. Then you feel horrible because they have an illness and you feel like arguing only makes it harder on them, which is the last time you’d ever want to do.

It affects you.

You constantly worry about them, sad songs on the radio, TV commercials, a broken shoe; I was afraid anything would cause a breakdown. I lived like I was walking on eggshells. I developed anxiety. I grew insecurities I never worried about previously. I found myself having depressive thoughts because I was constantly surrounded by the negativity.

It's not your fault.

You can only be responsible for your actions and your life. You are NOT the reason they have depression. You are not responsible for their pain. Sometimes leaving them might be the best thing for them, it might be just what they need to get on a healthier track. Sticking through it with them could also be what they need.

If you or anyone you know suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts, please contact the suicide hotline at 1-800-273- TALK (8255)