Hey guys! It's me! A lady! I'm sure most of you must recognize me from the multiple times we've met on the street, or from all those times you've driven past me really slowly and asked if I needed a ride. Since we've gotten to know each other so well, I think it's important that I be very honest with you. Your catcalls need work, guys.
Don't worry. it's not your fault! As a woman, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to muster up the courage to yell obscene comments about my body through your half-open windows as you drive by, so to help you out, I've put together this handy guide to effectively catcalling women.
I thought about surveying over 500 women to collect the following data, but all of that science and math would have been way too hard for my lady brain to handle, so instead I just asked the four ethnically diverse women I meet with once a week to enjoy yogurt and talk about Nicholas Sparks novels. Here's what we came up with:
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1. Creativity is a total no-no.
Don't spend a lot of time thinking about what you're going to say—this isn't Shakespeare! Make sure you reduce our anatomy to the most basic terms possible. The less you respect us, the prettier we feel. Try picking just one part of your future wife's body and really ramp up the commentary on that particular area. A great starter for any man-on-the-go is "I'd like to ___________ your ____________." And remember, if she doesn't seem to hear you the first five times, you're always welcome to follow her for a few more blocks! Women love persistence!
2. We're never busy, so go for it!
Maybe comments about our bodies, clothing, or current emotional state just aren't your style. That's fine! Another approach women love is what we call the "unsolicited invitation". We, women, love to get out of the kitchen once in awhile, so go ahead! Invite me to go with you somewhere, or just explain,
in minute detail, all of the neat things you'd like to do to my body if
you got the chance.
**Pro-Tip: If you ask us before 6pm, we'll more than likely drop
whatever we're doing and just head straight back to your place!**
3. Relationship? More like Relation-NOPE
You might be worried that the woman you're catcalling is in a committed relationship that fulfills her needs and makes her incredibly happy and content. Don't be ridiculous! We're always looking for a new boyfriend. Especially when we've been in a committed relationship for many years. Gay or straight, it doesn't matter, we just need to find the right man to make us change our mind about our current partner, so make sure you ask about him! As women, our life schedules revolve around the approval of the men around us. Our careers can wait!
4. We're just being coy.
Trust me, the more uncomfortable we look, the better you're doing! When we physically move away from you, we're just ramping up the challenge. Secretly, we all love the attention and would really prefer that you just keep talking. If we tell you bluntly to stop, it's probably just an act we're putting up for the people around us—we wouldn't want people to think we're a slut!
5. Unsolicited opinions are a great ice breaker!
Sometimes, as women, we get so bogged down in what our pesky, collective uterus is doing that we forget to smile. A helpful reminder from a total stranger in a public venue can go a long way to reminding us that we're here solely for your enjoyment. Along those same lines, we women can get awfully confused on our way out of the kitchen, so comments about your personal preference on our hair, makeup and clothing keep us on our toes. Bonus points if you have an opinion on our deeply significant tattoos and religious attire! Your opinion means the world to us.
6. You're a man, you know more!
We've all been there: you see a woman shopping by herself at a hardware store or comic shop. You look at her and just know, deep in your manly soul that she has no idea what she's doing and that you must offer her your advice. Please do! Us women are just so terrible at all of those boy things like home improvement, video games, and sports. We don't know what we'd do without you! Remember to carefully explain the basic fundamentals of your area of expertise in minute detail a few times—our lady brains tend to wander so repetition is really important. Not your area of expertise? It doesn't matter! You're a man, you must know more than we do!
**Pro-tip: Make sure to really quiz us women on subjects you think we shouldn't know much about—it's a great reminder of how much more we have to learn and how we're totally just pretending to like Star Wars so our boyfriends will like us!**
7. We're Impossible to offend!
Worried about offending us? Don't be ridiculous! Not many men know this, but all women actually emerge fully-grown from a magic egg—we're no one's daughter, mother, or sister, so you don't have to worry about treating us like people! And besides, our periods render us immune to feelings of humiliation, shame, and objectification. Just a handy little feature Mother Nature built in! #yourewelcome, amirite?
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So, there you have it, guys! A handy guide to catcalling. It is our sincere hope that we've managed to give you that extra boost of confidence when it comes to approaching unsuspecting women in public. If you ever get worried about crossing a line, just remember: a woman's body will shut down any legitimately offensive insult—she won't even be able to hear it!—now go out there and get to callin'!
