Losing a friend, especially one who you placed a great amount of trust in, is one of the most painful experiences that you can ever go through. Many reasons could have been the cause of this rift; an argument escalated out of control, one of you betrayed the other's trust, or simply being out of touch could be the reasons why. No matter what, your feelings are valid and deserve to be expressed, but in the right way, so let me show you the do's and don'ts of handling failed friendships.
1. DO cry and let it out!
Humans are not robots; expressing emotion is what makes us uniquely human, and keeping that lingering bout of sadness and anger bottled up and repressed will only prolong the issue. Plus, it introduces extra stress, which is not something you need during midterm week!
2. DON'T demonize
It's okay to be angry at the person's actions, but there is a fine line between that and outright ad hominem. If a person hurt you or did not maintain their end of the friendship, you still need to be the better person. How are you better than they are if you spout negativity about them behind their backs? Chances are you still think they are a good person but something went wrong with that they did.
3. DO reach out to them!
I'll be honest with you, I haven't done this too much. Reach out to the person; this whole conflict could be due to some misunderstanding neither of you knew about before. Of course, don't do it too frequently to the point where it starts to look desperate.
4. DON'T rant on social media
There is a very common tactic of ranting about someone on social media when you just emerged from a fresh conflict with them in an attempt to get retribution via public humiliation. However, this method can and will backfire, with the opposite effect occurring; you get painted in a more negative light and the other person can instead be seen as the victim. Furthermore, people tend to say things they don't really mean when they're angry, as the filter that normally blocks these impulses is almost gone.
5. DO examine the worth of your friendship
It is a very good idea after a conflict to back off, calm down, and with a rational mind, you can easily evaluate the friendship in question. It isn't a good idea to think about this while you're angry, as anger leads to very impulsive decisions that are often made without common sense or judgment. In this case, just sit down for a few minutes, cool down, and carefully evaluate whether this friendship is worth salvaging.
6. DON'T get revenge
Contrary to most movies, revenge is a very bad idea. Not only do you start looking like more of a moral degenerate in the eyes of your peers, but it also reinforces the anger inside you; you never fully get over anger with revenge. How are you different from the one who hurt you if you start hurting them back?
7. DO join clubs and other activities
Joining clubs is a great way to make friends and join a circle of people who you'd otherwise not interact with. Some of my best friends have come from clubs such as Science Olympiad, and they become another well to draw support from.
8. DON'T resort to unhealthy behaviors
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Don't over/undereat, resort to alcohol, drugs, or other psychoactive substances. Don't partake in risky behaviors. Don't damage your body due to a simple conflict. It's okay to be sad, but indulging in unhealthy coping mechanisms will only make you feel worse.
9. DO exercise
Exercise is a great tool for helping reduce stress; not only do you get a surge of dopamine and anandamide rushing through your brain, but you'll be too tired to feel stressed out! You end up not thinking about the stressor, and you take care of your body, too, killing two birds with one stone! A healthy body leads to a healthy mind, and vice versa.
10. DON'T ruminate
Rumination is one of the worst things you can do to yourself when something goes wrong. It's quite tempting to curl up in your room and think about what happened. However, it is also quite easy for those thoughts to constantly loop inside your head, making you feel even worse than initially. It also sucks the brainpower out of you and prevents you for concentrating or focusing properly. To counter this, think happier thoughts and focus on the good in your life!
11. DO spend time with other friends
Your world doesn't revolve around the approval of one specific person. You are more than that. If you are still bothered by thoughts of your friend's betrayal, you can always spend time with other friends to help ease the pain and feel more comforted.
12. If all else fails, leave it be
If you're not worth their time and attention, the most common strategy is to pull apart from the friendship and slowly dismantle the bridge between you and them. Despite your best efforts, some friendships were just not meant to be. In that event, just let them do their thing. It isn't personal; there is no need to hold a grudge or be upset. You are special, and your worth is not dependent on someone else's approval. Trust me on this one, for every bad friend you give up, you have more friends to take in. So love yourself and don't take it personally! You're amazing and you deserve happiness.
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