This year sucked. It's not because of family stuff, losing touch to people close to me, or the school work (although those certainly didn't help). College is so exciting at first, it truly is. But for me, I couldn't find my niche. I had a hard time forcing myself out of my comfort zone (and away from my safety net), and as much as I wanted to recreate a lifestyle similar to the one that I have at home with my separate friends, my work, my family, I just couldn't get myself to do it here.
I'll be the first one to admit how pathetic this sounds. I mean come on, everyone was trying to meet everyone, opportunities were endless to get involved, people were becoming friends within the first few minutes of meeting each other, right?
For me, I tried this. I tried to get involved in various clubs, find ways to keep myself busy and although I stuck with a lot of the things I tried, I still to this day haven't found my place on campus. I'm not a sorority type of girl, I have never had a large friend group but rather good friends scattered through various parts of my life. I let the overwhelming pressure of finding that here eat me alive and unfortunately, I succumbed to the negativity. It's not even that I'm unhappy, I just felt stuck, and in a funk. The friends I have made I love, and the friends that I came here with I still have. My life isn't bad, but it was hard comparing college to home. I wanted to have a place, or people, that I could go to collectively and I am still looking for it.
It's not my fault that I didn't find my place here on campus YET, that I didn't make a life for myself the way I thought I would YET. It's not my fault that I got frustrated, and wanted to give up. But it is my fault because I stopped trying to keep experiencing new things. I fell into a routine I didn't even realize I was in, and the attitude I had in this routine (which may have been more like a rut that lasted all of second semester) was what ended up hurting me. It ended up hurting the happiness of people around me because I wasn't owning up to my problems and that is definitely not the way to be happy and successful in college.
The thing is, I am excited for next year. Genuinely I am. I have been ever since my best friend and I signed the lease to our new place. Dorm life caught me some unlucky breaks, and I can't wait to cook and decorate and have a DOG living with me. I'll have my space. I can't wait to try new clubs with my friends, I can't wait to meet new friends through friends. I just wish I realized I could have used this attitude earlier in the semester, instead of admitting defeat to freshman year halfway through second semester.
My biggest regret freshman year was letting it get the best of me. How could I be so excited for what was to come, and the opportunities that would arise next year that I forgot to keep trying in the moment?
It's okay to be annoyed, frustrated, or upset freshman year doesn't go the way you planned. It's okay to feel like its hopeless, and it's okay to want to give up once in a while. It's not okay to let those feelings consume your life, and the people closest to you's life. I learned the hard way about this, so hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
