October first is upon us, but little did you know this is the start of a horrible, life-changing, confusing, department store created event known as Hallowthanksmis. Hallowthanksmis is the event when three of the best holidays are rushed, oversold, over advertised, and underappreciated.
The first attack is the dreaded pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin spice tea, pumpkin spice muffins, pumpkin spice lattes, cappuccinos, ice cream, anything you can make with pumpkin and spice, they’ll do it. They lure you in making you trust them. You invest in these people, make them a part of your everyday lives.
Then one day, you’re driving down the road, pumpkin spice coffee in hand and you start to notice a once abandoned shopping plaza brimming with life. People just like you with their own pumpkin spice coffee pour into the door of, you guessed it, a pop up Halloween store. Thirty minutes later, you leave the store with a poorly made costume that you are going to freeze in on October 31, the wig that just "completes the look" according to the overly enthusiastic teen at the desk, the thigh highs that will make everyone jealous (or rip the first time you wear them) and new credit card bill of $135.00. But it’s October fourth! Everyone you know has had their costume for weeks! How else are you going to get the attention of that coworker then by wearing a poorly fitted cheap flapper costume (and fake cigarette holder to go with it for only $17.99?). You drive home stopping at Dunkin first for a Pumpkin spice coffee, number four of the day, feeling happy, content and prepared for a wonderful Halloween.
Then, it happens, October seventh.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of killer clowns danced in their heads;
And mamma in her flapper costume, and I in my birthday suit,
Had just settled down for a long October nap
When out in the department stores there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my car to see what was the matter.
Away to the windows I flew like a flash,
and found Christmas! It was here at last!
Christmas trees! Lawn decorations! Toy sales galore! It was all right in front of me, pumpkin spice no more!
Hallowthanksmis is born.
The month of October moves so quickly from Halloween, to Thanksgiving. to Christmas you have no time to enjoy each of them. Who am I kidding? Thanksgiving does not even exist. We skip right over it in effort to sell overpriced plastic trees and blow-up snowmen. We cram three months of holidays into two weeks. No wonder people go broke during the "holiday season." They are convinced by the big stores that they have to buy early in order to make their families happy. October 1 to October 24 should be Halloween, October 25 to November 24 should be Thanksgiving, and November 25 to December 30 should be Christmas.
But wait! There's more! How could we possibly leave out the most important, death causing, clowns beware, holiday that occurs during the span of Hallowthanksmis. The oh-so-exciting housewives killing spree also known Black Friday. The department stores make sure we don't forget about that one. Thousands of people all over the United States gather on Thanksgiving night standing for hours in the freezing cold just to get that "good deal." People on black Friday have been trampled, assaulted, and have even died.
Halloween has been reduced to overpriced costumes and candy. Thanksgiving has gone from Pilgrims and Native Americans to housewives and capitalism, and Christmas is about cooking all day for people who, on the drive home, complain about what you cooked, how you decorated, who you married, and why you’re not pregnant yet (or why you’re pregnant again). Hallowthanksmis. The unjust early end to our favorite holidays. Take a stand against Hallowthanksmis, spread the word.
#endhallowthanksmis
