By now, most people who binged exclusively on cookies and eggnog throughout the holiday season are begging mercy for their dietary transgressions by promising that, in the New Year, they will finally start going to the gym as they have promised for the past five years. Now, if you’re anything like me, which basically means that you feel no shame in finishing a family-sized pizza by yourself in one sitting, this workout resolution is much harder to actually do than to write down in the notebook you impulsively bought at Target in an effort to start journaling in the new year as well. Well, folks, I am 20-years-strong on never sticking to my resolutions. At this point, it would probably benefit my mental heath to make my New Years resolution “watch every television show available on Netflix and try to eat as much sushi as is humanly possible.”

Incessant sarcasm aside, earlier this year, even before the new year dawned upon us, I found myself going to the gym regularly in an attempt to productively channel my frustrations and be a happier person because, unlike most of my family members, I did not believe that I was a lost cause when it came to being a pleasant, well-liked, functioning member of society. In these last few months, I’ve used what I can only assume was the willpower of some higher being to make myself workout at least three times a week and settle into what some might call a “workout routine.” Don’t get me wrong; I’m hardly a gym buff, nor do I consider myself athletic in any sense. But if I, who am notorious for quitting, have managed to consistently go to the gym for quite some time now, anyone can.

If you, like I, have decided that 2016 is your year to pursue your lifelong dream of being a swimsuit model, then listen closely to these tips about working out, from someone who in no way resembles or embodies a weight loss success story or a workout guru. I’ve learned a thing or two in my time as a sweaty bystander within the humid confines of my school’s gym, and trust me—you don’t want to be “that guy.”

Start small.

You are impressing no one if you are visibly struggling to do basic bicep curls with weights that are three times as heavy as what you should be using. First, you’re going to render yourself unable to even lift a pen tomorrow, and second, anyone who has lifted anything in their life can see your arms shaking uncontrollably as take six times as long as anyone around you to do a single rep. Accept defeat and pick up the ten pound weights; no one should judge you because, hey, at least you’re there making an effort. And don’t try to tell yourself you CAN run three miles with no training. No, no, you cannot, unless Jason from Saw himself is chasing you. If you’re trying to begin the uphill battle of being a runner, I highly suggest using the Couch-To-5k app. It teaches you how to gradually increase your distance without giving you shin splints and a deep-seeded resentment of jogging.

Don't try to look cute.

At the end of the day, we all know lululemon is reserved exclusively for the library when you need your booty to look fine, while maintaining comfort, as you strut past your crush on your way to the printer. When it comes to the gym, I like to bring the boys to my yard in a men’s XXL t-shirt to shield everyone’s eyes from what’s happening underneath when I move, along with shorts pulled up to my belly button for comfort and shoes that really have no place other than in an a retirement home. Unfortunately for Santa Clara students, the entire of the Malley Fitness Center is covered in mirrors (thanks, Satan!) and most patrons spend the entire time checking themselves out in the mirror. But it comes down to exactly that: anyone at the gym has to be some level of self-absorbed and truly, they’re only worried about themselves. No one looks sexy doing crunches; it’s a basic fact of life. Remember why you got out of bed to come here in the first place: to feel confident and happy in your own body, not anyone else’s.

Good music is a must.

If you are one of those literal extra-terrestrial creatures that doesn’t listen to music when they workout because they want to “clear their head” or “listen to their thoughts,” I don’t know what to do with you. First off, my thoughts constantly revolve around my next meal, which is not conducive with a successful workout, and second, I have never felt more inspired than when I listen to Britney’s “Work B**ch” at an ear-splitting decibel (which also helps to drown out the sound of my audible panting). A bomb playlist is a must when you go to the gym. I indulge in incredibly hardcore rap during my workout, in an ill attempt to feel far more badass than I am or could ever hope to be. I highly recommend wireless ear buds as well, because when over-enthusiastic workout arms rip your ear buds out and send your phone plummeting to its death on the mat below, the feeling one experiences can only be summarized as “pure, unadulterated rage.”

Try a workout program.

If you asked me what BBG was six months ago, I probably would have made some lame attempt to make a terrible joke that everyone around me hated. But today, as I continue on my journey to be a better person, I know that BBG is the Bikini Body Guide, the most impressive and insane workout program of all time—courtesy of the crunch queen herself, Kayla Itsines. If you don’t follow her on Instagram, you might as well exit out of this terrible article that you’re only reading because I begged and bribed you to and stalk her photos, because that is some TRUE inspiration. When I first began my obsession—pardon, admiration for Kayla Itsines and her ingenious workout methods, I thought to myself, “Wow, this will never, ever be me.” But today, a whole week later, I can barely stand because my whole body is in pain but I swear, I can hear abs slowly working their way to the surface after twenty years of being shy. As you begin your quest for fitness, heed the wisdom of someone who actually knows what they’re doing (not me) and use a workout program. You won’t be sorry or injured in the days to come as you follow the incredibly fit and enthusiastic steps of those who spent years of their lives carving out perfect abs and a perfect routine for those of us too lazy to figure it out on our own.

Stay positive.

When all is said and done, change starts with you. When you convince yourself that you are capable of making 2016 your year, that’s when you’ll find it a little easier to tighten those laces and step on the treadmill. You can ask your friends for encouragement, but in the end, you’re the one getting up and going, and their words of encouragement pale in comparison to how you can make yourself feel. Progress is small and you might not see any improvement for weeks or months, but don’t lose hope. If you found it within yourself just to get up and go workout today, that’s a victory in my book. It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you go. As long as you keep a positive attitude and tell yourself you can do it, that’s what matters. And remember: no matter how slow you go, you’re lapping everybody on the couch.