Yoga really is a journey. You walk in thinking one way and leave utterly changed an hour later. Something about the combination of apprehension, pain, embarrassment, and relief makes the grind of a hot yoga session both hilarious in hindsight and a beautiful experience worth returning to. Here is what an average guy is probably thinking during his first hot yoga class.
1. Is it cool to take my shirt off?
I already feel like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb as the lone guy in a room of women, and now I have to take my shirt off because it's already soaking wet and restricting my mobility. I'm doing this out of necessity guys I promise I'm not showing off. There's an old hairy guy in the back corner who showed up without a shirt, to begin with, so I'll just go for it. I apologize in advance for my rippling physique.
2. This is easy, I work out all the time
I've got this. Downward dog? I bench like 200 pounds how hard could it be? So what if it's hot? I stretch sometimes and I'm...pretty athletic.
3. It's not even that hot in here.
Sure it's warm but I thought this would be like a sauna. I've heard of people passing out in these classes but this? I could do this all day.
4. Am I sweating more than everybody else or is that just me?
Okay, it's starting to heat up in here. Why is her face not dripping? I'm definitely sweating more than everybody else. Do I smell? Shit, I think I smell. No wonder the instructor is fixing everybody's pose but mine. Actually no I'm probably just doing them perfectly already.
5. Okay this is officially not easy
We're not in Kansas anymore. I'm about 5 minutes away from crying or passing out whichever comes first. I think my feet are starting to go numb...How long are we holding this standing split again?
6. This old lady next to me is kicking my ass
How has this lady not taken a single break or sip of water? She looks like she's about to break in half and then whips out a headstand like it's nothing. What am I missing here?
7. If you say crescent moon Brittany one more time I swear...
I swear to god Brittany or whatever your name is. First, it's crescent now its crescent moon? The audacity. We've already done like twenty. I think I get the picture. If I even so much as here the words crescent or moon come out of your mouth one more time I'm walking out. Also, who taught you how to count to five? I could write this entire article before you even get to three.
8. Oh this is our last down dog? Somehow I don't believe you Brittany. I'm taking child's pose and you can't stop me.
Screw this. That last down dog was already one too many but I told myself to push through because I'll thank myself in the end but ANOTHER one? You've broken the camel's back Brittany, you broke it. I'm going into child's pose and you can't stop me.
9. It's really time for savasana? Are you sure you don't want to throw one more chataranga in there?
Oh, my goodness. Could it really be true.? No. I don't believe you, you've already played one too many cruel jokes on me. But you are breaking out the cooled lavender scented towels. And now everybody is lying down and the music...it's so soothing. Close my eyes? Yea I can do that...
10. We really are just one love though aren't we?
Namaste to you too Brittany, who's beautiful ass I was involuntary staring at the beginning of the class but now just looks to me like an expression of the universe that lies in all things. Namaste to you too.
