To The Guy Who Won't Stop Arguing With The Professor

Dear Guy,

We get it. You think you're smarter than us. You think that because you tuck a cigarette behind your ear but never smoke it, you're somehow Enlightened™. You watched one foreign film and skimmed through the AP Stylebook, so even though you're not even old enough to buy alcohol, you're obviously more cultured than our professor. You think Anonymous is the end-all-be-all of chaotic neutral, and you own two Guy Fawkes masks -- one to wear, one to worship. We know. WE KNOW.

Now, dude?

Shut up.

Why do you argue with the professor on literally everything? She could say "grass is green" and you'd say "if I may play devil's advocate, I believe grass is a little more verdant."

Do you add anything to the conversation? No, but you sure think you do. Also, why do you preface every sentence with "devil's advocate?"

Seriously, the phrase is starting to lose all meaning -- it's like when you repeat your own name over and over and over and over and it stops sounding like a word. Of course, it doesn't help that what usually follows "devil's advocate" is some elaborate excuse to hate women or minorities.

"If I may play devil's advocate, the wage gap wouldn't exist if women just collectively stopped getting pregnant."

"If I may play devil's advocate, immigrants should pay more taxes than the rest of us."

"If I may play devil's advocate, eugenics is a good idea and we should kill the poor people first."

That's not playing devil's advocate. That's just being a jerk. I get that you unironically believe that "nice guys finish last," but assholes like you manage to get stuffed into a locker even after high school is over.

You're not edgy, you're not revolutionary, you're not smarter than any of us -- just more pretentious and you aren't fooling anyone. We all know you're just doing this to be complex. I doubt you actually believe half the crap you spew, and you do it just to get a reaction from the rest of us.

Well, congratulations! You've accomplished that much, Mister "I'm Egalitarian Because I Want Feminists To Shut Up."

I hope you're not aiming to actually pass this class, though, because if I were your professor I'd make sure to grade you ten times harder than everyone else. After all, to play devil's advocate, grades are all subjective, aren't they?

Sincerely,

Everyone with the misfortune to be in the same class as you.