Being a woman, I am subject to men of all sorts staring at me in public places—be it at the grocery store, walking my dog, or really any other place besides the privacy of my home. It’s just a fact of life—lots of creeps are out there and they will stare at you, or worse. I’m a survivor of rape and, understandably, men who stare at me scare me simply because I have been trained to suspect that a man who stares is a danger to me. Logically, I know that not all men are creeps or want to hurt me, but it is a defense mechanism to assume that they are.

And not only is it a defense mechanism, it’s a survival mechanism. Better safe than sorry, and being safe means assuming the worst and doing what I can about it, like leaving the room or crossing the street. So what if the guy isn’t a creep? I’m not sticking around long enough to find out if he is or isn’t, I’m just going to worry about making sure there are other people in the room or that I stay on busy and well-lit streets at night. It’s just what women have to do—not that it’s okay, but it’s accurate to say that this is our reality.

Now, to one of the countless guys I’ve caught staring at me: you’re probably thinking “But I’m not a creep! Why should I be punished by the creeps out there by not being allowed to stare at an attractive girl?”

My initial reaction is to get angry when faced with this question, because while the good men out there have to “suffer” from the repercussions of their creepy counterparts, their only form of suffering is not getting to look at pretty girls. Oh, boo hoo. The repercussions for women are obviously much worse than that, considering we are the ones being victimized time and time again. So, initially I say to the man staring at me “Cut it out, you’re not allowed to do that. And stop complaining because women have it worse.”

However, upon second thought, I have some different conclusions.

I am guilty of thinking it’s sweet when I find someone staring at me, if I too am attracted to that person. However, I will find it creepy if the person staring is not appealing to me. Guys who ask me out who I’m not attracted to are “creeps” but those who ask me out who I am into are “sweet”. I think that’s what some men are getting frustrated by, and maybe that’s why they insist on having the right to stare.

So, non-creep guys, I hereby give you the permission to stare at me.

Now, I’m not saying it’s a free-for-all. If your jaw drops, or you lick your lips, or give me a once-over, that’s not cool. But that really comes down to manners, and what you want out of the stare. If the purpose of your stare is appreciative, then fine, appreciate how I look. But if the reason you’re staring at me is because you’re taking some sort of pleasure by it, or you’re thinking that you’re entitled to it, well then that needs to stop.

Be kind, be appreciative, and please be discreet. Additionally, don’t focus your gaze on my you-know-wheres, because that is an obvious sign of solely lust and not anything near appreciation. Make eye-contact with me, acknowledge that I am a human being, not something created for your pleasure, and let me know in a polite way that you find me pretty.

Another tip for men who stare: don’t get offended when the woman you’re staring at gets obviously uncomfortable, and stop it immediately. Part of being a decent human is recognizing when, even if it’s not because of you directly, somebody is being hurt by your actions. So what if you’re not actually a creep? That does not give you entitlement to stare at anyone.

Understand that women have the duty of protecting their bodies at all times—something you’re privileged to not worry about—so even if your stare is appreciative, cut it out if the subject of your gaze is getting nervous.

I find myself appreciating the looks of men I find attractive on the street, but you won’t find me making it at all obvious, or staring because I feel as though I have some sort of right to stare at their bodies. And you won’t catch me thinking about the man as an object made for my admiration, but rather a human being who I simply think is attractive.

Stare in admiration, not in authority or privilege to someone’s looks. Because in the end, no one has the “right” to stare at my body. But if you want to take a gander and recognize my looks in a polite way, well, go right ahead.